


Reasons to Live | dreamnotfound

by Ashlantiss, kay_talyst



Series: Wish You Were Mine [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Canon Gay Relationship, Cute Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Cute GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Depression, Gay, Gay Male Character, M/M, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, dream clay - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:26:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 30,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27975130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashlantiss/pseuds/Ashlantiss, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kay_talyst/pseuds/kay_talyst
Summary: Clay has always felt an inexplicable attraction to his best friend George. Clay struggles with his mental health as he tries to figure out what George means to him.“George~ I think you like him.” He looks me dead in the eyes with the most serious look I have ever seen on him.“Sapnap I’m literally straight, I don’t like him, and there’s no way he’s not already over it.” Sapnap looks at me for a moment.“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” He finally looks away.*designated songs are recommended for each chapter, the story still works without them, having them does create a more immersed experience* this work updates every Monday and Thursdaymade a discord server for it cus why the fuck not, we'll just be pinging every time it update :)join us @ https://discord.gg/fDrwQQR3uP
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: Wish You Were Mine [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2111841
Comments: 33
Kudos: 223





	1. Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dream struggles with insomnia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! just wanted to let y’all know that this story might have some sensitive content so there will be trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter. if any of these themes or topics are distressing to you please skip over them! thanks!!  
> -kay
> 
> tw:  
> -mild swearing  
> -lack of sleep and insomnia idk if this is a trigger but i wanted to put it just in case  
> -depression

*play dreamy night by lilypichu while reading*

  1. Your friends, your family, and your pets would miss you.



I don't know how long I've been staring at the ceiling. My eyes zoom in and out of focus as the darkness swims in front of me. I beg that sleep will take over my body, knowing that if it gave me the chance I would succumb to it immediately. I roll my head to the right, lazily lifting my phone in my hand to check the time. I squint at the harsh light that greets me before my eyes adjust. 4:34 a.m. Damn. Have I really been staring at the ceiling for 45 minutes? When even was the last time I had a restful night of sleep? Or any sleep at all. I can't remember. I manage to steal a few measly hours here and there when I can, but most of the time my body rests while my mind runs wild.

The light from my phone screen fully illuminates my face and I grunt as I flip onto my stomach. I prop myself up on my elbows, opening Discord to check if anyone's online. Unlikely, but worth a shot. Being alone with my own thoughts at this hour isn't safe for me. I open the dream smp discord server and see that George is alone in vc1 with the groovy bot. My heartbeat quickens for just a second before I calm it down. _He's your best friend._ _Just stop being weird_. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. I join the call. George is listening to quiet mii theme music and he pauses it when he hears the sound signifying someone joining the voice call.

"Hello?" George's voice calls out. Just hearing his voice makes me smile. But he sounds so small, so far away. My mind is drifting off, distracted and yet still so far from sleep. I clear my throat and attempt to clear my mind before responding.

"Hey." I respond, the lack of sleep shrouding my voice.

"Oh hi Dream, how's it going?" I hear George readjust in his chair. Butterflies flutter in my stomach knowing that he's sitting up straighter just to have a conversation with me. 

"Good." I lie, this one comes easily. "What are you up to?"

"Just doing some mining on the SMP," I can hear George hesitate before continuing on, "Dream, isn't it like 5 am for you right now?" 

"Mhm."

"Early morning?"

"Not quite," I chuckle quietly. 

"Aw, Dream," concern seeps into his voice and suddenly I feel a heavy weight on my chest, "Did you at least get any sleep?" We both know the answer.

"I'm fine." 

"...That's not what I asked." he counters. Usually I hate being fussed over, but coming from George it makes me feel appreciated. 

"Really, I'm fine, much better now that I'm here." I try to say it confidently but my voice sounds shaky. I’m pathetic. I can't even convince myself that I'm okay. I slip my fingers through my hair, ignoring the prickly feeling in the corners of my eyes.  _ You’re an adult. Stop crying _ . I inhale deeply attempting to disguise sucking in my tears with a fake cough.

"Maybe you should try to get some sleep, you'll feel a lot better if you do." If only it was that easy. George is whispering now, trying to coax me to sleep even though it seems farther away now than ever. I suck in air through my teeth. I take it back. I hate being fussed over. I can do this myself. I don’t need to be lectured about it.

"I can't. Seriously, I'm  _ fine. _ " I emphasize. These conversations are rare but not unheard of. George usually ends up dropping the 'you need sleep' nagging after a few minutes and he’s pushing the limit of how much worrying I’ll tolerate- even from him.

"I'm worried about you." he whispers, so quietly that I'm not sure if I imagined it. "I know it might be all in my head, but you've seemed different, less happy lately. Less  _ present _ . I guess." If only he knew.

"George really.  _ Seriously _ . I'm okay. Please drop it." I hiss. I press my lips together and squeeze my eyes shut. I can handle myself. Or at least I want to. Why won't he just drop it like he usually does? Sleep deprivation is putting me in a pissy mood.

"No Dream, you're not." he replies firmly. His assertiveness catches me off guard. His words are like pestering fingers jabbing into my ribs.  _ Snap. _

"Excuse me? What do you mean I'm _not ok_? Who are you to decide that? I'm an adult. I am a grown ass man. Why does everyone think they can dictate what I do?" Anger bubbles under my skin. I feel horrible for lashing out on George like this. It's not his fault, it's just all the bottled up emotions finally spewing out of my mouth like word vomit. I want it to stop, want to say sorry and blame it all on the insomnia. But I don't because we both know that I’m only more truthful when I’m tired. My mouth remains gaped open dumbly.

"Dream. I’m sorry. I really didn't mean it that way, you know I didn't." the guilt in his voice pierces through my heart and all I want to do is hug him despite my anger mere seconds ago. I should be apologizing, not him. "Please don't be upset with me. I get it." He doesn’t get it. "Let me help." I'll pull him down with me. "Dream. Please, just tell me what's wrong." There's desperation in his pleading, something very rare coming from George. "It's only because I care." My breathing is low and quiet, but I know that George is listening to each breath, waiting for my response. George and I rarely fight and it physically pains me to argue with him.

"I'm- well, it’s-" I take a deep breath and start my sentence over. "I haven't been able to sleep," I pause, "For days. That's all it is." Now it's my turn to listen to George's rhythmic breathing on the other end of the line as he contemplates his response. It feels like he’s right next to me, and I can imagine his hot breath on my ear. I stop myself from turning to check if he has suddenly appeared next to me.  _ Don’t be stupid. You’ve always been alone. You’re always going to be alone. _

"All it is," he mutters, "that's a lot to be dealing with alone, Dream." he's quiet for a second and I can imagine the idea pop into his head as he begins to talk again, "If you want, I can tell you a bedtime story or sing a lullaby. Those always used to help me." he offers. His voice is gentle, laced with tenderness. Usually I would throw back a joke but this moment feels different than our usual joking calls.

"I'd like that a lot." I murmur.

"Great." I can hear George's smile through the phone. "What kind of story, Dreamy?" George murmurs playfully. Dreamy. I want to hear him say my name like that again. Like I’m the only person he thinks about.

"Do you remember when we first met?" I ask. 

He giggles softly. "Of course, how could I forget." As he starts to talk I feel his calming aura wash over me, my mind slowly pulsing in time with the lull of his voice. I lapse in and out of consciousness to catch bits and pieces of his story. "...thought you were so weird- I still do," Dork. "...you killed me like ten- fifteen- okay, maybe twenty times in a row,” he emits a cute giggle, “I wanted to break my keyboard," Slowly the waves of his voice come to a still. The absence of the consistent sound startles me. Maybe I'm asleep. That would be a miracle. George's voice cuts through my foggy mind "Dream? You still there?" he asks. I hum an affirmative mhm but it's barely audible. George must assume I'm asleep. "Goodnight Dream." he says, "I love you," he quietly adds quickly before leaving the vc. I love you, too. Just not the way you love me.

  
  



	2. Mirage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream has an odd dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! there is more sensitive content in this chapter so i’m going to put more trigger warnings in. this work is very mental health focused so there’s probably going to be one of these every chapter. thanks for reading!!  
> \- kay
> 
> tw:  
> -cursing  
> -depression

* My Future by Billie Eilish*

  1. It’s not worth the regret. Either by yourself if you failed or simply left scars, or the regret everyone else feels by not doing enough to help you.



I open my eyes slowly. My body aches. The floor is freezing and my hands reach for sheets to no avail. I groan as I sit up suddenly, finding myself face to face with a tall mirror with an ornately decorated rim. My head is swimming from being jostled around when my eyes finally focus I can see that George is sitting right behind me. I swivel my head in search of him, but he’s nowhere to be found. I look back towards the mirror, and there he is, plain as day. I can only see him in my reflection.

“George?” I ask getting up on my knees to lean closer to the mirror. His smile seems plastered onto his face. He cocks his head at me in response. “Where are we? Or- I guess, where am I?” He gestures to the top of the mirror with his hand. I admire his slender fingers and frame instead of looking at the top of the mirror. I wonder what it would feel like to feel those hands caressing every part of me. I mentally smack myself. Usually I have better self control… it’s just that I rarely ever see George’s whole body at once and he looks so tangible right now. Ivory colored skin and delicately defined bone structure taunt me. Like I could just reach out and touch him, like actually touch him. I press my fingers against the glass and he smiles sadly at me. 

I slowly stand to examine the top of the mirror. I trace my finger across the engraving before reading it.

**Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi**

The words feel foreign and cold on my tongue. I back up again and watch through the mirror as George scooches closer to me. He’s short compared to me, his head barely reaching my nose. I see him reaching his arms around my waist and I instinctively look down only to find that I’m still alone.  _ Just like you always will be. _

I wake up in a shivering sweat. My dream replays in my head, the sharp words I heard sending a shiver down my spine. I never forget my dreams, one of the reasons I actually chose the name Dream as my online persona. 

It’s bright outside and when I see that the clock reads 1:30 pm, I’m overjoyed that I slept for such a long time. My covers have been completely kicked off the bed and lay in a crumpled heap at the foot of my bed. Patches is perched atop them, her tail flicking slowly as she watches me. 

“You hungry?” I ask her. She mewls back in response. I roll off of my bed sliding my phone into my pocket as I fill up Patches’ food bowl. My white t-shirt and gray sweatpants cling to my body. I check the group chat briefly as I grab my water bottle from my nightstand. Sapnap had spam called me this morning and I can see that George told him to leave me alone for a few hours. A smile tickles the corners of my mouth and I leave my phone on the nightstand before chugging half a bottle of water. I feel sticky, gross, and confused after waking up from that dream. 

I walk down the hall to the bathroom, hastily throwing my clothing into the hamper. I step into the shower with a sigh. The cool water is startling but welcome, it wakes me up and clears my head. I haven’t felt this awake in ages. I trace little hearts on the glass writing G+D in one of them before quickly wiping it away. Am I out of my mind? I feel like a thirteen year old lovesick boy again. I quickly use 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner, the dirt and grime slides off my body without much scrubbing as if it’s been waiting to leave for a long time. If only I could wash my dirty thoughts away that easily. I lean against the shower wall. What the hell was that dream about? I know there was a reference to Harry Potter somewhere in there, but what it meant, and how it made its way into my dream is beyond me. I turn the shower off and dry myself off, vowing to ask George about it later. His obsession with Harry Potter is a tad bit worrying but also kind of cute. In a best friend kind of way, of course.

I pull on clean clothing and brush my teeth quickly before spitting and watching it swirl down the drain. I examine myself in the mirror as I towel my hair. Do I even deserve someone like George? No. I mean, some people have said I’m attractive. I flex my bicep muscle lightly, I haven’t been to the gym in a while. Do I need to have large muscles? Does George even like muscular guys? I'm overthinking this again. Falling down this rabbit hole of ifs and buts that always ends in nothing but me reaching the fence that keeps me inside the friend zone. I carelessly toss my towel on the towel bar and I walk out of the bathroom with a scowl on my face. I’m not even good enough for myself, much less George. 

I try to stop myself from spiraling. It doesn’t entirely work. I calm down my thoughts by imagining laying in a field. Creating the environment in my mind is easy. The sun beating down my neck, light wind dancing through my hair, the smell of fresh air. I’m collected. I’m calm. I realize another mistake of mine. I haven’t taken my ADHD medicine in so long because it just makes me feel broken. Hunger pains but not hungry. And I’m tired of feeling broken and conflicted. I fight myself enough as it is, I don’t need my stomach to be a fucking oxymoron, too. I switch my focus onto getting food, ignoring my slow pulse that feels like it’s popping out of my veins. I make a lopsided looking sandwich and devour it in a matter of minutes.

I grab my phone and immediately slip on my headset and connect to a vc with Bad, Sapnap, Karl, and George.

“Heyo.” I call out. I’m met with multiple people saying hi back and I sink into my gaming chair. They appreciate me. I’m wanted here. I power on my pc, logging into the SMP.

“Sleep well?” George asks. 

“Yeah, the best I’ve had in a long time.” I respond. To everyone else it’s just trivial small talk but knowing George cares makes me feel all warm inside. “Thank you.” I add in a murmur.

“Any time.” George promises. I know he means it.

“I’ll hold you to that.” The rest of the vc is quiet. 

“Um, are y’all having a moment or, can I, like, ask Karl a question?” Sapnap asks. I clear my throat awkwardly.

“Nothing, no it’s fine. Just um, George helped me fix some creeper holes yesterday.” I stumble over my words.

“Uhuh, anyways, Karl do you have any crimson wood?” 

_ Georgenotfound whispers to you: vc2 _ _  
_ _ Georgenotfound whispers to you: vc2 _ _  
_ _ Georgenotfound whispers to you: vc2 _

I tab out and join vc2 where George is already waiting.

“Hey,” his voice perks up towards the end. Cute.

“Hey. What’s up?”

“Just wanted to ask how you’re doing without Sapnap butting in. Sometimes I just want to slap-nap him,” he giggles. I wheeze quietly.

“I’m good. Seriously, you helped a lot last night. But George, do you know what that means?”

“Hm? What?” he asks naively.

“We fell asleep on call together,” I counter.

“I- Dream, you know that I’m streaming, right?” he asks. I feel my face flush red. The phlegm in my throat threatens my gag reflex.

“Oh, hi stream.” I say as I open twitch. George’s chat is going wild with messages ranging from  _ Helped him? how?  _ to  _ falling asleep on call POG _ . Suddenly aware that I’m in front of 35,000 viewers and I frantically attempt to switch my personality up to the high energy persona my fans know. “Oh, I did have a question about Harry Potter.” I decide that now seems like a good time to bring that up.

“Ooh I love Harry Potter, do go on.” he urges.

“Is there a mirror that’s really fancy looking? It has a bunch of Latin looking words at the top of it?” I ask. 

“Latin looking words?” George echoes, “Do you remember the words? Or at least some of them?” I rack my brain for what the mirror said. “OH. Chat says it’s the mirror of  _ Erised _ , very fancy. Did you see it in a post somewhere?” George asks.

“Yea, the first word of the sentence was erised now that I think about it. And it showed up in my dream, super weird champ not gonna lie.” George’s eyebrows raise ever so slightly in his face cam. I see him laugh silently.

“Well, what did you see in the mirror?” he wonders as he takes a drink of water. 

“You.” I respond. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, but George’s reaction says otherwise. George sprays the water out of his mouth. He’s a sputtering mess. Chat is going at double time. Everything flies by too quickly for me to read more than one word at a time.

“Oh fuck, I got it all over my keyboard.” George leaps out of his chair, quickly returning with paper towels. He dabs gingerly at his keyboard. George’s cheeks are definitely pinker than before. 

“George, what?” I question. I have no idea what I said wrong. “Wait yeah, what even is the mirror of erised. I kinda remember it from the movie but barely.” George pulls his hoodie sleeves over his hands and covers his face.

“Ohmygod Dream.” is all he says. 

“Whaat?” I attempt to read the exploding chat. George removes his face from his hands, revealing a face practically the same shade as a tomato.

“It’s the um. It shows the. Well, it’s like.” George laughs, trying to evade the question. 

“Oh come onnnn, George what is it?” George laughs and I get a text message from him.

**George** : Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi is what the mirror says, read it backwards. 

OH. Realization hits me. Now I wince as I replay George’s reaction to me admitting I saw him in the mirror. I try to play it off cooly, acting like my subconscious didn’t know what the mirror meant. 

“Oh nonono. That’s not what I meant. Sorry chat, I haven’t really seen Harry Potter recently. I must’ve been a bit confused. Ahaha.” I know that George can hear how uncomfortable I am. My words come out choppy and robotic. It’s clear as day to him, it must be. I’m scared. I guess I’m scared chat will think I’m weird. I’m also absolutely terrified that George might think it’s weird. But most of all, I’m scared that it’s true. “Hey George, I’m pretty sure Patches just threw up, so I gotta go clean that up but I’ll be back,” I fib. It sounds natural but my heart is beating out of my chest. 

“Ok Dream, talk to you later. Text me.” he responds. I close out of his stream and slide my headphones off my head.

I pull my knees up and place my head in between them. Breathe. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. I painfully rethink George spitting out his water at my admission. Is the idea of me and George being together really that difficult to imagine for him? Fuck. Why do I even care? We’re best friends. Just best friends. I keep repeating it in my head but I can’t stop the small seedling of desire from sprouting unwillingly.

  
  



	3. Drowning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream battles his depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: cursing, suicidal thoughts, depression, suicide attempt

**_Chapter Three - Drowning_ **

*Jubilee Line by Wilbur Soot*

  1. Listening to music in your own special place



It’s been three days since I’ve spoken to George. That might be the longest we’ve gone without talking at all in years. It hurts to know how dependent I am on George and our interactions to feel happy. I’m rereading old messages between George and I as I’m slumped against my bed frame with Patches in my lap. The last text was about the Mirror of Erised. I can’t even begin to describe how long I’ve stared at his contact, writing and deleting messages. I feel numb and sick to my stomach all at once.  _ Hey _ just doesn’t seem to cut it anymore. Doesn’t he care? Maybe not as much as I thought. I close out of the messaging app. This is unhealthy, I know that much. Without having something, or rather someone to look forward to, I haven’t had much motivation to do anything. 

I haven’t logged onto the SMP in a while and I simply told my friends that I was feeling under the weather. My friends have been texting, asking me how I’m feeling and I always respond blandly with ‘getting better’. No one seems to question it. I want them to question it. I look down at my clothing, I haven’t changed or showered in the past three days. I’m literally living in my own filth. My stomach growls, reminding me of the empty chasm in my stomach and heart. I shift out of bed, lightly pushing Patches off.

“Sorry baby, papa has to go actually partake in life.” I say as I scratch her chin. My legs almost give out when I first go to stand up. Colors swim in front of my eyes. I wait a second to allow myself to readjust. I grab my laptop from the nightstand drawer and tuck it under my armpit. I make my way to the bathroom on the other side of my house that I rarely use. I feel distanced from myself, as if I’m playing a video game instead of living my life.

I step into the bathroom, my toes getting colder by the moment from standing on the tiles. I curl my toes and turn the bathtub faucet on and make it as hot as I can. The water level slowly rises and the heat in the bathroom does as well. As the water starts to reach close to the top of the bathtub I turn the faucet to dispense colder water. I slowly strip myself of my clothing and test the water with my hand. Just right, at least this one thing I can control is perfect. I place the laptop on a cabinet next to the bathtub and open twitch. I won’t admit it but I’m secretly hoping that George is live. And he is. I hover over the stream before giving in and clicking on it. I just need to hear his voice, see his face. As the ad plays I ease myself into the tub. I shiver as the warmth envelops my body. I always forget how much I love baths. I lean back and allow myself to float for a moment forgetting all of my worries.

“SAPNAP STOP KILLING ME!” George’s voice calls to me through the stream and I immediately sit up. He seems fine, happy even. I feel a puncture in my heart. I’m not sure if I expected to see him bawling but seeing him in high spirits while I feel helpless hurts. It’s not his fault and yet it still is. His eyes draw me in. He looks at the camera momentarily and I feel my breath hitch.  _ Are you really that fucking needy _ ? I swallow the lump forming in my throat. The tears flow down my cheeks before I notice it, converging with the bath water. 

I lean backwards into the water, submerging my head. Quiet bubbles emerge from my nose. What if I just drowned, when would anyone realize? Would they care? Would they blame themselves? My head bobs up to the surface gradually and I suck in air. Even dying seems like too much effort.  _ How pathetic. _ I lean forward to look back at George. He has no idea about what I’m going through. He has no idea that I briefly considered drowning myself and ending it right then and there. That I drown in my thoughts every day. That I want nothing more than to drown in his eyes right now. The previous trickling tears are replaced by sobs that make my whole body shudder.  _ Get your act together _ . _ Stop crying. _

I quickly dry my hand on a towel and close out of twitch. I navigate to youtube and play  _ Slow Dancing in the Dark _ by Joji, an old favorite of mine. My heartbeat syncs up with the beat and I exhale heavily, trying to relax.

_ I don’t want a friend, I want my life in two~ _ _  
_ _ Waiting to get there, waiting for you~ _

Joji’s voice echoes throughout the bathroom. I let my brain go blank until the song comes to an end. My inner demons attempt to convince me to give up. But I’ve jumped through so many hoops in my life. I’ve made it this far, I’m going to keep going. I’m my own first choice. I choose myself and my happiness. I deserve to be selfish.

I push myself out of the tub and unplug the drain. I quickly dry myself off and slide on a bathrobe when I realize I forgot to bring a change of clothes. I take the dirty clothes and computer back to my room, tossing the clothing into the hamper carelessly as I sit on my gaming chair. I open discord and finally do what I’ve needed to for the past few days.

**Dream** : Hey, can we talk?

I don’t give myself time to chicken out before pressing send. I sit in anticipation. I’m not sure why I’m waiting because there’s no way that George will be actively checking discord during his stream. I start to get up to go grab at least boxers and a shirt before I hear notifications from my computer.

**George** : Yes.

*incoming call from  **George** *

My heart stops as I slide on my headset and click accept.


	4. Intimate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream gives George a call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: cursing, suicidal thoughts, discussion of suicidal attempt, depression

**_Chapter Four - Intimate_ **

*Fine Line by Harry Styles*

  1. People care



“Hello?” 

“Why didn’t you call?” I don’t even try to hide the desperation in my voice.

**George** : I’m streaming right now.   
**Dream** : That’s ok with me if it is with you.

George clears his throat. “Why didn’t you text?” he counters back. I can sense an argument brewing. I quickly open his stream to see what chat is saying. They’re all freaking out.

“Because, I -I thought you hated me.” I admit quietly. Chat’s speed is too much for me to register anything.

“Hated you? I could never hate you Dream,” there’s a soft look in his eyes when he says it and I know that he means it. I thought I was dry of tears but a new wave comes through my tightly closed eyes. I take a deep breath and try to cover my sniffles. Hearing him say that unlocks emotions I haven’t felt in so long. Makes me feel like I deserve to be loved. I don’t know how to respond, so I’m relieved when George opens his mouth to speak again. “Dream, are you crying?” And suddenly I’m much less relieved.

“No, I don’t cry.” I say stubbornly.

“It’s not a bad thing. It’s good to cry. Sorry, just give me one second.” he mutes himself. The silence in the vc is deafening. I see him waving at the camera and suddenly his stream cuts off. He unmutes. “Hi, I’m back. I just ended the stream.” He ended the stream just for me. “I’m sorry I didn’t call.”

“You didn’t have to end the stream for me, and I’m sorry I didn’t text,” for the first time since we’ve met, we’re both out of words for a second.

“Yeah, but I wanted to. And um- why were, or are you crying?” He wanted to.

“I’m not crying.”

“It’s ok to cry. I promise it’ll all get better, but right now, it’s okay to not be okay. If you want to tell me why, I’ll cry with you.” George jokes. A laugh pushes past the blockage in my throat.

“Ok maybe I’m crying, just a little.”

“On the bright side, I’m sure you’re a pretty crier.” George offers. 

“Haha, very funny,” I say, rolling my eyes. I haven’t cried in front of anyone but myself in years. It feels good to let it out in the presence of someone else. I impulsively open snapchat and send a blurry selfie of my tear covered face. Fuck it, what’s life without a bit of risk taking?

“I’m serious. You probably a-” I see George has opened the snap. “Is that you?” he asks quietly. 

“Yeah, who else would it be?”

“You even manage to give sass when you’re crying,” George sighs. “Well I was right, you’re a pretty crier. Wow. I can’t believe you showed me your face just like that.” Hope rises in me again. George was probably just surprised earlier. That seems like a reasonable conclusion and I feel more at ease. I don’t think anyone’s ever called me pretty. It feels different than being called hot or handsome. I can’t help but make sure that I heard George correctly the first time. 

“You- you think I’m pretty?” 

“What? You need me to say it again?” George teases.

“Yeah.” I admit shamelessly.

“Oh my god Dream, you’re ridiculous. You. are. pretty.” he says. I feel my composure being undone by his compliments. I’m a spool of wool and his words are pulling the threads out from underneath my feet. I wonder if he knows what he’s doing to me. I try to regain my footing.

“You’re very pretty, too.” I blurt out. Shit.

“Oh am I now? Thank you very much Dream.” he still sounds normal. The silence feels weird, like a gap in our conversations, but it feels more comfortable than before. Now the quiet between us feels like a bridge connecting our minds rather than a chasm dividing us. “But really, why are you crying?”

“It’s stupid, don’t worry about it.”

“I’m sure it’s not.”

“I’ll tell you some other time, it’s not important right now.” George doesn’t push me anymore. I can tell he’s still wary after pushing me a bit far during our conversation a few nights ago.

“So how are you feeling?”

“Oh, I wasn’t actually sick. I just wasn’t really up for- anything, I guess.”

“I figured, I meant how are you doing, you rarely disappear for three days without so much as a call.” I hesitate before deciding to be fully transparent with him, something I haven’t done with anyone for a while.

“Not too good. Really bad actually.”

“That fucking sucks, wanna talk about it?” 

“Yeah, I do.”

“Oh of course, okay,” I can hear the surprise in George’s voice. We can talk about almost anything but I usually sweep my feelings under the rug. Out of sight, out of mind. 

“Um, if it’s ok with you, can we FaceTime? I just really need to see someone right now. It’s been so long since I’ve seen anyone and I’m struggling to, like-” I start to ramble in an attempt to explain myself. George cuts me off.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain or validate any of your feelings to me. Gimme a second to call you.” My heart absolutely melts. I try to breathe and stop the stupid smile from spreading across my face. Fuck. Why did I ask for this - what if he can tell by looking at me?

*incoming FaceTime from  **George** *

When I pick up I aim the camera at the ceiling at first. George’s face is super close to the screen. I snort-laugh. Seeing George makes me feel safe.

“Helloo,” he says. I can tell he’s trying to make me more comfortable considering we’ve never FaceTimed. It’s sweet. I tilt the camera more towards me. My eyes and the bridge of my nose are visible. 

“Hi.” I say, and George’s eyes widen, as if trying to get a better look at me.

“Um, I don’t mean to push you, and if you don’t wanna talk about it anymore that’s totally fine. But…” he trails off.

“If you’re here to listen, talking about it would be… cool, I guess,”

“Of course I’m here, Clay.” he throws me off by calling me by my real name. He places his phone in front of him and I can see his whole torso.

“Clay?”

“If you’d rather me use Dream I can, just thought I’d try it.” 

“No, no, it’s nice, I like it.” I say blushing, luckily George can only see my eyes.

“Maybe I’ll save it for special occasions then,” he giggles. His eyes crinkle cutely and I can’t help but smile back. I clear my throat, trying to get back on track.

“Sorry, I feel like I’m dancing around it.”

“Don’t apologize. You aren’t doing anything wrong.” George says with a supporting smile. I look away trying to ignore the fact that wanting to kiss him has just jumped to the top of my wish list.

“I’ve just been… in a dark place recently. I, um, considered suicide recently.” I say meekly. I feel the suffocating weight of carrying that secret lifted off my chest but at the same time I feel ashamed of myself. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. George’s smile is wiped off his face.

“Oh shit, Dream.” I wince at the utter horror in his voice. George and I don’t really talk about this stuff, I have no idea how he’ll react.

“Are you mad?” 

“Mad? Why would you think I would be mad? I just wish you had told me, or someone else instead of going through that alone. I’m always here. If you ever have those thoughts, call me. If I’m asleep, call me until I wake up.” His eyes look damp. Is he tearing up?

“Are you- crying?”

“Yes I’m crying, you absolute dumbass! I never, ever,  _ ever _ want to lose you Dream. The thought of that fucking scares me so much-” he cuts himself off quickly. “I don’t mean to make this about me. I should’ve called you earlier. I should’ve called you first. I just thought you needed space, I should’ve just fucking called.” He cares. George cares.

“You didn’t know. It’s not your fault,” And now I feel like I’m the one comforting him, he looks practically broken, curled up in his chair with his knees pulled tight to his chest. It’s times like this when I forget he’s older than me. I guess I’m glad he cares, but at the same time I’m angry that he seems more hurt over this than I am. Not angry at him, angry at myself for not having the self decency to be selfish for once.

“It doesn’t matter if you were having suicidal thoughts or not. I should’ve been a better friend. I’ll be a better friend. I dunno, I just- I thought you would want space after that whole- thing.” Neither of us elaborate or acknowledge the mutual desire that seems to be sneaking itself into this conversation. I want to deny it, I want to pretend it’s not there because honestly, I’m not sure if I’m right. My dad always used to say that hopes were made to be crushed, and it’s safe to say he lived up to that statement. We’re both balancing on a tightrope of what to say and what not to say. It’s suddenly unspoken that we’re not talking about what happened three days ago.

“Don’t beat yourself up about it, you’re a good friend. Deadass.” He snorts with laughter, and for a second I forget he’s crying.

“Dead-aehss~,” he mimics my accent cutely. For a moment I just sit and admire how cute George looks in his pale blue hoodie. 

“Sorry to throw such a mood dampener your way.”

“What did I say about apologizing?” George says with a cocked eyebrow and a smirk. I put my burning face in my hands. I can’t take this adorableness. Watching it on stream is completely different than knowing that he’s smiling just for me. I lean my phone on my monitor and George’s face lights up.

“Full face, pog! Wait- are you wearing a bathrobe? Are you in a hotel or something?” I look down at the fluffy white cloth. 

“I kinda forgot to get extra clothing after my shower and then I sent you the message. Sorry, this is weird. Lemme at least go put on boxers.” 

“Dream. You werEN’T WEARING UNDERWEAR THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION??” Oh shit. “Oh my fucking god, go find some pants.” George puts his face in his hands. I stand up, pinning my robe closed with my hand as I do so to avoid more potential embarrassment. I quickly walk over to my dresser and slip on boxers and a pair of sweatpants.

“Sorry about that, I’m back.” I slump back into the chair. 

“Want to change out of the robe as well?” he says, and I roll my eyes.

“Why? It’s fluffy.” I say patting it with my hand. George laughs at my antics. I grab a hoodie that’s laying by my feet. I smell it briefly; not too bad. I slip the robe off my shoulders hastily and pull the hoodie over my head. 

“DreAM!” I freeze. I completely forgot that we were FaceTiming. I’m so used to only speaking to George on voice calls. 

“You were the one looking at me, you pervert,” I say, trying to diffuse the situation.

“Oh my fucking god. We’re on FaceTime, and if you don’t want me looking at you then stop looking so-” he stops his sentence.

“Looking so what? Go on George,” I tease. 

“Ugh, nothing. You’re so annoying.” The flame in my heart flickers when I see George’s cheeks slowly tint red. I rest my head in the palm of my hand. George’s slender fingers are idly fidgeting with his headphone wire. He has a light smile on his face with blush dusted on his cheeks. The lighting hits his face softly, making him look angelic. He looks even better than he does in my dreams. His eyes are flickering around and a part of me prays that he’s admiring me the way I am him. I’m such a fucking simp. I can barely handle myself and we’re only on FaceTime. My heart is leaping out of my chest and I try to synchronize my breathing with George’s slow pace. His chest heaves up and down delicately. I shouldn’t feel like this when I’m just hanging out with my best friend. 

“Wanna play minecraft?” I offer, I just want things back to normal. Romantic feelings die over time but I don’t know how I would handle myself if George and I were no longer friends.

“Yeah sure, what were you thinking?”

“Bedwars?”

“Ooh okay, we’re going to dominate.” And just like that. The intimate moment is broken.

  
  



	5. Peaceful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no trigger warnings, this is a short chapter but it's one of my favorites :)

*agoraphobic by CORPSE*

  1. Rain.



George and I end up playing bedwars for more than four hours. We ended because it was around 1 am for George. It felt just like it should, laughter always lingering around the call. The flirting felt like jokes- nothing more. I would be lying if I said I’m thrilled about that. I keep jumping in between thinking that having George in my life is enough for me and wanting so much more. Indecisiveness screws me over in every step of my life. 

The light outside is completely gone and I hear soft pattering on my window. Is it really raining? I scamper over to check. Light rain speckles my window. I make an impulsive decision and swap my hoodie for a t-shirt. I grab my rain coat but end up hanging it on a hook inside when I exit the door.

I stand on my porch and admire the eerie night. Beams of light from street lamps cut through the night sky. Dim stars are dispersed through the smooth darkness. Everything around me looks blurred through the rain. I shake my shoes off my feet and squeal like a little kid as I leap out from under the awning. I’m not complaining, I’ll take any chance I get to feel young again. The sky cries down on me and I allow my own tears to leak out of my eyes. I sit in the rain in just my sweatpants and t-shirt. The water soaks through my pants almost immediately, but the warm rain makes me feel as if I’m melting. 

I lie on my back in a starfish-like position allowing my mind to run blank. Rain coats my whole body slowly and I close my eyes instead of wiping the water away. I feel as if I’m floating, the hard pavement seems like it would keep me grounded but I feel myself ascending up through the clouds. The stars whisper sweet nothings and the rain hugs me reminding me that I’m not alone. 

I feel at peace with myself.

“I love you.” I call out. “I love you because you’re you. Because you’re doing your best even though you don’t want to be here anymore. I love you because you always try your best at what you do. I love you for being strong enough to admit when you’re weak.” I say the words I need to hear the most. And they’re more meaningful coming from me than anyone else. “I’m proud of you.” I whisper. It feels like a secret, one that gives me strength. I must look ridiculous to anyone watching right now, but I could care less. The rain washes my doubts away for a moment. It seeps into my skin. Time around me might as well stop, silence dances through the air. I love me. I love living. I love life. I wish it rained more. 


	6. Worth It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream is in a great mood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Today is Christmas, so if you celebrate Merry Christmas! But also Happy Holidays in general! New Years is coming up so I'm glad to get 2020 over with. Either way, here's Chapter 6 (dw the chapters do get longer, I wrote it as a cohesive work so I didn't really think about how the updates would look). I did just finish writing Chapter 10 this week and it's one of my favorites.
> 
> this is a very lighthearted chapter  
> tw: cursing

*Better When I’m Dancing by Meghan Trainor*

  1. You ARE worth it. Don’t let anyone, especially yourself, tell you otherwise.



I wake up in the best mood I’ve been in months. After I came in last night, I showered despite having been drenched. I was afraid that my doubts would come rushing back, but they didn’t even manage to sneak into my subconscious slumber. I flash a toothy smile at myself in the mirror, and my toothbrush hangs awkwardly out of the side of my mouth.

“I love you,” I say pointing at myself quickly wiping the toothpaste suds that drip out. I’m giddy with excitement. It feels so good to like what I see in the mirror. My usual blemishes that I pick at seem nonexistent today. I ruffle my hair and shoot myself a smile. I love this feeling, and I want to hold on to it for as long as I can. I know it won’t be here forever.

I take my time eating my breakfast today, savoring each bite. I’m practically skipping around the house and I flounce into my gaming chair. With my headset on my head I join vc1 where a bunch of people are doing who knows what.

“Hey guys.” I’m met with a cacophony of DREAMs and a singular HELLO BIG MAN. 

“We missed you, hope you’re feeling better,” Sapnap says. His comment is seconded by almost everyone in the vc.

“They missed you, I’ve never missed anyone in my life. They’re always the ones missing me,” Tommy says defiantly with a laugh.

“I missed all of you, too,” I admit earnestly, “And yeah, I’m doing better. A lot better.” I log into the SMP and tune out the vc as the chaos ensues. 

_ Georgenotfound whispers to you: hey, how’s it going _ _  
_ _ You whisper to Georgenotfound: pretty good, u streaming? _ _  
_ _ Georgenotfound whispers to you: no, not at the moment but ik that tommy is, why? _

I pull up Tommy’s twitch on my second monitor.

_ You whisper to Georgenotfound: just wondering :) wya? _ _  
_ _ Georgenotfound whispers to you: behind you _

I turn my character and see George sprint jumping towards me. My heart does a teensy flip. The fact that a block rendition of George makes me excited probably means I’ve fallen- and hard, but I ignore that for now. Self doubt is NOT going to ruin my day today. I don’t even notice how quiet the vc has gotten until Quackity’s voice cuts through the silent muck.

“Um George? Hello? Are you going to finish that sentence?”

“Hm, what? Sorry, I got distracted.” George replies. Hearing George’s voice for the first time today makes me feel safe.

“I’m distracting you, Gogy?” I smirk.

“Oh my god, shut up. You’re so stupid.”

“I’m the schewpid one?” I say, mocking his accent. George lets out an exasperated sigh that I can tell is covering up a laugh.

“You guys act really weird around each other. What’s going on with you two?” Tommy asks. I look at his stream and see that his face is contorted in a confused smile. 

“Ohmygod. NOTHing,” George giggles. Tommy suddenly bursts out into laughter and I look at his stream. His in game chat is being spammed.

_ Tubbo whispers to you: This is deffo flerting _ _  
_ _ Tubbo whispers to you: This is deffo flerting _ _  
_ _ Tubbo whispers to you: This is deffo flerting _ __  
_ Tubbo whispers to you: This is deffo flerting _ _  
_ _ Tubbo whispers to you: This is deffo flerting _

__

I start laughing, too. “Tubbo, I can see what you say, I’m watching Tommy’s stream,” I tell him.

__

“Oh, whoops, okay. I’m not wrong though,” Tubbo laughs.

__

“Dream is watching a minor’s stream- that’s a bit weird champ. I don’t know about that one.” Tommy guffaws. 

__

“#canceldream,” George adds, “Don’t worry Tommy, I never watch your streams.”

__

“Thank you George,” Tommy starts, then it hits him. “HEY WAIT. You are so- I hate you, why would you say that you- you stupid British man.” I wheeze.

__

“Why was British man your insult of choice? Tommy you’re literally a british man child,” I counter.

__

“Yeah, but I’m the only good one, innit,” he says proudly. Being on Tommy’s stream is different than being on anyone else’s. It’s always one joke after another after another. It’s a high pace tempo is hard to keep up with at times, but overall it warrants a lot of laughter. I allow myself to fully commit to the bits that Tommy does and try to keep everything lighthearted; because today, I’m letting myself do whatever the fuck I want to do.

__


	7. The Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream and George construct a plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for 500 hits! We really appreciate it <3 . If you want to be pinged during updates, join our discord server! (link in the overall book summary). Hope you all enjoy this chapter :) (we've written up to chapter 13 so far and update day always gets me excited)
> 
> \- ash 
> 
> Tw:  
> \- mild cursing

*Dear Happy by Dodie*

  1. The tingly feeling when someone whispers in your ear



Tommy ends his stream after around an hour and I feel tired and full of energy all at once. I log off the SMP and lie on my bed. The giddy feeling is gone, the unrelenting happiness dissolves. And yet I don’t mind. It was only a matter of time before the somewhat sickly sweet feeling dissipated. It may seem like a defeat but I feel proud that I don’t get shot back into an ugly mindset like usual. I’m considering whether or not to ping George when my phone emits a soft ding in my ear. I lift my phone up from my side and the screen illuminates my face. My eyes light up when I see George’s text. 

**George** : Hey, wanna call?

I don’t respond to the text, instead I immediately click on the call icon. He picks up on the second ring. 

“Hey,” I breathe.

“Hi Dream, how are you?” George’s voice is perked up on the other line and I try to absorb some of his energy filled aura.

“Good, pretty good, great actually. How about you?” 

“I’m good.” It’s quiet in the call, unsaid words fill the air, suffocating the words that we could or should be saying. We’re both contemplating talking about  _ us.  _ Or at least I am. I don’t even know what  _ us _ means to George. To make matters worse, I’m not even sure what it means to me.

“So…” I start. I don’t know how to finish my sentence.

“Hm?” Part of me doesn’t know what to say but the other part knows what I want to say. Instead, my lips remain stubbornly parted and shy. It’s awkward, and I can’t help but wonder if this is what it would be like if I confessed.

“Ugh, why are we so awkward right now?” I finally acknowledge the elephant in the room. I hear George inhale on the other end of the line.

“I don’t know, it was fine this morning, what changed?” 

“We’re alone,” I point out. And I want you. I don’t point that out. At least not out loud.

“Yeah, but we’re usually never awkward when we’re alone.”

“It’s like I feel as if there’s nothing to talk about, but there’s so much at the same time. I just don’t know where to start.”

“I get that.” George says. I imagine him lying in his bed the same way I am. His shirt falling off his shoulders delicately, his eyes flicking back and forth across the ceiling casually. I rest my hand on my chest and let it rise and fall with my breathing. When I center myself back to the present I realise how long it’s been since either of us has said something. The overall volume of the vc is incredibly quiet but silence is deafening. George sounds far away as opposed to right next to me like usual.

“George, we’re best friends. And I like to think we know each other better than we know ourselves… but do we really know each other? Like,  _ know, _ know each other.” George contemplates my question.

“I suppose… not?” he says. I clear my throat.

“Do you, um- want to change that?”

“Yeah.” he whispers, after a few seconds. “I do.” 

“Me too,” I agree, my voice has lowered to a whisper to emulate his. I lazily outstretch a hand toward the ceiling with a sigh. I want to know your favorite shirt. I want to know what you taste like. I want to know how you like your eggs cooked. “I want to know how you like to be held.”

“What did you just say?” George’s voice slices through my short fantasy. Shit. I said the last part out loud. Letting my mind run wild while on call with George is never a good idea.

“Nothing, sorry I meant to say I do, too.” I bite my lip apprehensively. George’s voice sounds closer now. There’s a pause in George’s voice before he continues.

“I- well, no, you said something. I’m just not sure if I heard it correctly,” he murmurs. His soft voice swirls around me.

“Wait, what did I say? I genuinely don’t remember. Sorry, Tommy’s stream kinda sapped me from my energy.” A messy string of words leave my mouth as I scramble to explain myself. Lying seems like the only option at the moment. I don’t think either of us are ready to have this conversation.

“I- um I think I might’ve heard you wrong.” Except he didn’t hear me wrong. I know what I said and I’m sure he knows it too, and I’m an idiot.

“Yeah, probably.” I wince, George definitely knows that he heard me correctly after I said that. I release the heavy breath I’ve been holding knowing that this type of confrontation is never George’s cup of tea. I wait patiently for George’s response as I flip onto my side, keeping my phone precariously perched on the side of my head. 

“You want to know how I want to be held?” I choke on my spit at his forwardness.

“Um- yes?” I ask it rather than say it. I’m not sure what the best option in this situation is.

“In your arms.” he says with a light laugh like that of the tinkle of a bell. My heart can’t take this. It’s ricocheting around the inside of my body.

“You’re so stupid,” I force out faked annoyance to cover the smile in my voice. The lustful part of me wants to keep talking about this, and I’m slightly disappointed when George just laughs and moves on swiftly.

“What’s your favorite part of Florida?”

“The rain at night. When it rains and it’s dark out. The heat in the air hugs you and makes you feel strong. The sky let’s you know that it’s ok to cry. It makes you feel like you’re young again. Makes your worries disappear if just for a moment.” 

“Wow. That sounds beautiful.” George’s voice is genuine and I can tell that my poetic description of rain has him imagining it.

“Yeah, you should come visit me, I’ll show you.” I joke. I try to silence my pounding heart, if I don’t do it soon I’m sure that George will be able to hear the thumping through the phone.

“I want to.” he whispers. His voice sounds so present, so close to me. I shift my body trying to get comfortable as I close my eyes and pretend that I’m leaning on him, that he’s playing with my hair.

“You should. You, Sapnap, and I could have a meet and greet in Florida,” I offer. I don’t know if we’re still joking but my offer is real. I can’t tell what was a joke in this call and what wasn’t.

“But how would that even happen? You haven’t revealed your face yet.” 

“I would do it at the event.” This suddenly feels very real. I want it to be real. 

“I’m down if you are.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course. I just didn’t want you to be pressured to reveal your face because of me or Sapnap.” If only George knew everything that I would do for him.

“Wait let’s actually do this.” I’m hyped up. George matches my energy. I sit up in my bed and can hear George shuffling on the other end of the line.

“Yeah, let’s go call Sapnap and find a time that works.” I mean, we’ve talked about meeting up a lot. But right now, it seems as if it’s actually going to happen.

“Ok one second, let’s move to discord.” George hangs up and I’m left alone with my thoughts. George can’t just do that to my heart. He throws flirty remarks at me and then changes the topic so quickly that I can’t tell if I imagined the inflections in his voice. I take exaggerated deep breaths before joining the team-speak. When I finally click on the vc Sapnap and George are already chatting.

George is excitedly explaining the basic idea to Sapnap and when I chime in my voice still sounds shaky. Ignoring my feelings, I throw myself into in depth planning. We spend the next few hours planning our meet up. We decide on a date in a little over a month. George and Sapnap will stay for three weeks. It seems so soon, and yet so far away. I haven’t fully processed what’s going to happen. I’m going to see George. In person. George, Sapnap, and I post about the meet up over all platforms. The stans, fans, and basically the whole fandom is going insane. 

A month. A month of living a normal life where I can go wherever. A month before I get to meet George in person. A month before my whole life changes for better or worse.


	8. Speedrunning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dream does a speed run stream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! thank you so much for 600 hits <33 there may or may not be an extra chapter being posted for New Years ;) so that's exciting to me. in all honesty, I am most excited for chapter 10 and 13 to come out at the moment and I have to consistently remind myself not to change the posting schedule. Lots of love from Ashley and kay, best wishes for 2021 and Happy New Years Eve everyone!
> 
> tw:  
> cursing

*All I Need by Khai Dreams*

  1. Video games



*5 weeks until the meet and greet*

Last night felt like a fever dream. I wasn’t even sure if it was real until I checked my twitter timeline and saw all the excited tweets. George. I’m not even sure how I’m going to act around him. I don’t know how I want to act around him. Should I confess? Should I get over it before then? All these questions run through my head but this time there’s excitement mixed with my nerves. Patches stirs from her spot on my bed. 

“Hi baby.” I scratch her chin, “Would you want a second dad?” I say without thinking. I flop on the bed next to Patches. Yeah, I’ve fallen for him. There’s no denying that, and suppressing my feelings never worked out for me in the past. I’m going to confess. I’m going to do it. I don’t know when, I don’t know how but I’m going to. 

I walk into the bathroom, and blast  _ All I Need _ by Khai Dreams as I look at myself in the mirror. I’m attractive, right? George has called me attractive. I sweep my fingers through my hair and shoot myself a smile. I cringe at how fuckboyish it looks. Maybe I should just act normal when I tell him. He’s grown to know me, hopefully love me (even if it is just as friends), as  _ me _ . 

I take my phone out of my pocket and text George. 

**Dream** : Hey gogy   
**George** : Hi dreamy

His answer is immediate. Knowing that we have nicknames and good morning texts makes my stomach swirl with enthusiasm.

**Dream** : wyd?   
**George** : just chilling hbu?   
**Dream** : hanging out w/ Patches, i think i’m gonna do a speedrun stream. it’s been forever since i’ve streamed   
**George** : dream stream pog, i’ll join vc with you if you want   
**Dream** : I’d like that, gimme a second to get the stream up

I shut off my phone and crunch my stomach as I sit up. Patches looks up at me as I walk away but ends up staying where she is. It’s been at least two weeks since I streamed. I turn on my computer and slide my headset on. I’ve missed this, more than I realized. Recently, I’ve just been focusing on myself (and George occasionally) so much that streaming seemed to slip my mind.

I start the stream and watch as viewers begin to trickle in by the thousands. The chat is filled with enthused fans and adoring messages. 

“Hey guys, sorry it’s been so long since I streamed. I've been focusing on myself a lot and, yeah, that’s basically it. I missed you guys so much, thank you for all the love and support. I really love our community and just wanted to say thanks for tuning in today and just being amazing. OH! And, if you haven’t seen on social media, Sapnap, George, and I will be doing a meet and greet in around a month, five weeks to be exact. It’ll be in Orlando, Florida. The full information is on any of our social media. So make sure you’re there! You do need to sign up for a time slot and be on time or a few minutes early. The meet and greet is $30/person, and we’ll have an extra donation box that will be donated to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.” My heartbeat quickens when I remember George recommending that charity. In the meantime, chat is going crazy and at least 50% of the messages are asking about a face reveal. “A lot of people are asking about a face reveal. All I’m going to say is you guys might want to show up.” I chuckle as I see **#dreamfacerevealpog** fly through the chat. There’s a 100% chance that that’s going to be trending on twitter by the end of today- if not in the next hour.

My phone pings.

**George** : Oh my god chat is going insane!   
**Dream** : IKR the event is going to be so fun   
**Dream** : join team speak?

“Ok guys so I’m just going to do some chill speed running today. No specific goal, just having fun and yeah. George is going to be joining me in a vc so it’ll just be a good time.” I ring the team speak and George picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hi George.”

“Hi Dream, hi stream. Ooh that rhymed.” I can hear the smile in George’s voice. It infects straight to my face. I share my screen on discord so that George can see everything happening in real time as opposed to the twitch stream delay.

“You’re a poet and you didn’t even know it.”

“I’m just too talented.” Our banter feels like it normally does, unsaid words hover over both of our heads and I know that we’re both pretending that they don’t exist. 

“So what do you want to do when you get here?” We haven’t really talked about what we’re going to do other than the meet and greet.

“You’re the host, what are my options? Knowing Florida it’s probably along the lines of alligator wrestling and robbing a Denny’s.” I wheeze.

“How’d you know about my secret plans? Real talk, we can go to Disney or Universal Studios if you want.” 

“Oh wait, doesn’t Universal Studios have that Harry Potter thing?” He sounds like a little kid who was told they can get ice cream.

“Yeah, do you want to go to that?” I knew that George would be into the Harry Potter world.

“Yes yes yes,” he giggles excitedly.

“You’re so cute,” fondness seeps into my voice and I quickly cover it up by adding an, “Alright then  _ my king _ .”

“Thank you very much, Sir Dream.” George somehow manages to make his accent even more British. While I’m laughing I accidentally fall into a ravine. “HAHAHAH you’re sooo bad.” 

“You’re so annoying. I take it back, you’re not my king anymore.” George continues to laugh.

“How did you not see that oh my god.”

“YOU DISTRACTED ME.” 

“To quote an idiot I know, ‘Am I distracting you’?” He mimics my accent horribly. I load up a new world and immediately see a desert temple.

“I don’t sound like that.”

“Hm, you kinda do.” 

“You’re the worst.” 

“You love me.”

“Yeah.” Truth seeps into my voice and smothers the joke out of our conversation. I clear my throat, trying to shatter the sentiment in my voice for the second time in less than a minute. “Don’t act like you don’t love me.”

“I’m not acting,” he teases.

“Just say you love me George.” I genuinely want him to say it right now.

“Ugh nooo.”

“Chat wants you to say it, I think you should. You don’t even have to mean it, even though I know you do.”

“Why are you so obsessed with me? Chat, Dream is sooo obsessed with me.” Because you’re everything to me.

“Oh my god I’m  _ not,  _ you just won’t admit a fact. Chat, George tells me he loves me all the time off stream. He’s just shy. You guys make him nervy,” I take a prod at George.

“You’re so bad at speedrunning, just focus on the game, you left an iron ingot in that chest.” George changes the topic and I don’t attempt to change it back. I’ve definitely pushed this conversation to the limit and don’t want chat picking up that part of it isn’t exactly a bit.

I’m on what I’ve declared my last run. “Hey chat can you pretty pleeeaase mark down these coords?” 

“Why do you always say that, they’ll mark them down anyways.”

“Well, what if everyone forgets one day?” I point out. “Oh fuck. I mean— oh shoot!” I panic as I die to a piglin. “Oh come on. That was so anticlimactic. Ok ok, that’s the end of today’s stream. Thank you guys so much for tuning in and just being so amazing. Like truly, I’m so grateful for all of you. I do have one request for all of you. It’s completely optional, but if you can, go tell someone how much you love and appreciate them. It’s just great to be told that someone loves you even if it seems obvious. And yea. Thanks again, love you guys. Bye! George say bye.”

“Byeee stream.” I click the end stream button and relax backwards into my chair. “Dream is the stream ended?” I check the icon in streamlabs, confirming that it says offline.

“Yeah, just ended it.”

“In that case, Dream I love and appreciate you.” I groan but feel butterflies at the same time.

“Why couldn’t you say that on stream?”

“Hey, you get what you get and you don’t get upset.”

“Yeah, I guess. You’re the worst… but I guess I love and appreciate you, too. Thanks for coming on my stream today.”

“Of course, and yeah I think I’m going to go to bed, so goodnight.” Goodnight feels so formal as compared to night or gn.

“Goodnight George.” After George leaves the call I relax my shoulders. I allow my emotions to swirl from down in my stomach up to my head. I finally stop suppressing my feelings and let myself feel whatever I want. Something clicks and I know that I want George. I want him more than I’ve wanted anything. Desire burns within me. I want to learn everything about him. Love him the way he deserves to be loved. I want him to want me. And I want him to know. I guess it’s time to start planning a confession.


	9. Early Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream wakes up early and starts planning a confession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years everyone! I ended up falling asleep early but it's all good. Here's an extra update to celebrate getting over this shitty year. Chapter 10 is up on Monday and I'm so excited :)
> 
> tw: mild cursing

*Lemonade by Jeremy Passion*

  1. Being in love



I wake up early the next morning, that’s new. By early I mean 7am - it should be counted as an ungodly hour to be awake. For me, it’s an accomplishment signifying I was actually able to get sleep. Needless to say, I text George first thing.

**Dream:** Good morning :)

I’m not even sure if he’s awake yet, despite it already being past noon for him. I drop my phone in my pocket and turn on my computer. I stare at the google bar for a moment before sheepishly switching to incognito mode. I know that no one has access to my computer, but in case I ever share my google tab on stream for whatever reason I don’t need this showing up. 

_ How to confess your love to a friend. _ I delete that from the search box.  _ How to tell your best friend you love them.  _ I delete that, too. This is so stupid, I can’t believe I’m asking google for love advice. Reddit is more accurate to be honest. I decide against using the internet considering how lonely everyone on it is. Grabbing a pad of paper instead, I set a timer for five minutes and scribble down any thoughts or things that I want to tell George. I end up with jumbled notes that will soon be converted into a confession. It’s basically exactly what my brain looks like at the moment. I rip the paper off the pad and rewrite my thoughts more cohesively. I reorganize it into a list of the most important points. This paper is just written proof of what a simp I am. 

  1. I love you.



I stare at the three words. That seems simple enough. Now for when to tell him. My three options are before he arrives, when he does, or after he leaves. I could be a pussy and just give a letter to read once he gets home or send a text message. But I don’t want it to start out like that. I can imagine myself with George for the rest of my life and being a wuss is definitely not how I want it to start. That leaves it down to in person or FaceTime. Ideally in person would seem more genuine- but it might be too awkward if he doesn’t reciprocate. The most practical option is to tell him a few weeks before he comes, so that if he doesn’t, I can try to make things as normal as possible. I mark the date on my calendar. I’ve got just under three weeks to confess my love to my best friend. The nerves in my stomach threaten to make me throw up and I realize I haven’t even drank water since I woke up. I quickly sip some water from my water bottle and decide I finally have motivation to go be … productive?

I change into workout clothes and slip on running shoes. I grab my airpods, my phone, and keys as I step outside. It’s around 8am by now, still too fucking early to be alive. The sun is already up and it casts a light glaze of golden over my neighborhood. Clouds hang low in the sky, stifling out the sun’s glow in some areas. I wave at my neighbors and a few of them look shocked to see my outside of my home. I live in a rather old area so I’m not concerned about any of them putting two and two together and realizing that I’m Dream. 

I open Spotify and play a premade playlist of Jeremy Passion’s music as I run. Almost all of the songs are about love, I wonder if they’re all about different people. I wonder how many people I’ll love in my lifetime. I wonder how many will be able to make me blush and laugh just with a hello. George’s face immediately pops into my mind and I can’t stop myself from smiling just thinking about him. Knowing that he might reject me crushes me but for now I simply relish in the feeling I get just from thinking about him. 

I run all the way around my block, my body is drenched in sweat by the time I return to my door. My legs feel tired and weak but my head feels clear. I unlock my door and check my phone after refraining from doing so during my run. My eyes light up when I see I received a message from George.

**George:** Morning :) y up so early? cldnt sleep?

I step inside and lock the door before answering.

**Dream:** surprisingly not, just decided to wake up early today   
**Dream:** went for a run, so i gtg shower and then be back   
**George:** you- running? i bet ur not even sweaty lmao

I open Snapchat and snap a mirror selfie. You can clearly see the sweat drenching my hair and shirt and dripping down my arms. I try not to overthink everything as I hit send. George opens it almost immediately. 

_ Gogy took a screenshot _

**Dream:** George- y did u screenshot   
**George:** blackmail ahah   
**Dream:** ur the worst i’m never sending photos to u again   
**George:** aww :(((   
**Dream:** ok brb i gtg shower

_ Don’t overthink it _ .  _ He just screenshotted a sweaty picture of you-and maybe that’s exactly what you wanted.  _ I wonder if George knows that he’s practically tossing my heart around. I run a cold shower and imagine myself melting down the drain. When I finally step out of the shower, I muss my hair with a towel and slip on comfortable clothing: a pair of sweatpants and a crop top.

**Dream:** back   
**George:** im streaming atm, vc?

Making my way to my computer I sink into my chair as I join vc.

“Dream?”

“Hey George.”

“Hello, how’s it going?”

“Pretty good, pretty good. You on the smp?”

“Mhm, I’m just running around breaking ugly buildings. Wanna help?”

“Yeah of course, hopping on now.” And we continue talking and laugh and laugh and laugh. And I know that even though everything may change in just a week, I’ll always want to be George’s best friend. And I know, truly know, that he’ll always want to be mine.


	10. The Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream confesses his feelings for George.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! I've been so excited for this chapter update!
> 
> tw: mild cursing, drinking and alcohol

*Puppy Love by Gani*

  1. Treehouses, they’re so fucking cool and you can’t have a treehouse if you’re dead.



*3 weeks til the meet and greet*

My eyes flutter open with purpose. Today is the day. I marked it on my calendar a week ago when it seemed so far away. And now. And now… it’s here. I can’t tell if I want to laugh or cry, my insides are knotted in an impossible way. I realize I never decided whether to tell George during the day or the night. On one hand, he’ll definitely take me more seriously during the day... considering I do tend to get sappy at night, but I don’t know if I have enough guts to do it during the day. I quickly hop out of my bed, ignoring the colors dancing on my retinas that threaten my ability to stand stably. 

I scamper into the kitchen and delicately grab a can of beer usually reserved for guests from my mini fridge. I set it on the counter and squint at it scrutinizingly. I seat myself at the kitchen island without looking away from the can, considering whether this is the best or shittiest idea I’ve ever had. On one hand I never really drink, so rarely that I don’t have a gauge on my tolerance. But on the other hand, I don’t think I’ll be able to stomach my confession during the day without help.  _ A drunk man is an honest man. _ I pop the can open and take a sip. The bitter taste overpowers the sweet one and I force myself to swallow it. The taste tingles on my tongue. I can’t believe people drink this by choice. All I can taste is regret. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. My stomach churns and I can’t tell if I’m such a lightweight that the alcohol is already affecting me or if I’m just queasy at the thought of confessing. 

My confidence wavers but I know that once I set my mind to something I have to do it. I continue to finish two beers over the next hour before finally feeling impulsive enough to call George. I’m pretty sure that I’m not drunk, but saying I’m completely sober would be a lie. I belch loudly as I text him. This is a good idea, I can feel it.

**Dream:** HEEY, can we call???    
**Dream:** fscetime

*incoming FaceTime from  **George** *

“Hellooo George,” I smile.

“Hi Dream, you look… happy today.”

“Yeah, um I have to tell you something,” I try to jump right into it before I chicken out. My mind is fuzzy but I’m still well aware that this is a pivoting moment in our relationship. 

George hugs his knees and looks up at me innocently, “What’s up?” I fumble for my notes as I take a deep breath, intensely staring at them instead of looking at George.

“George. I love you. You make me happier than anything else and I just- I want you to be mine. Just being with you makes me happy. I want to hold you in my arms and kiss your lips for hours at a time. I want to be more than friends.” The words spill out of my mouth so quickly that I’m not sure if George could comprehend them fast enough. I finally look up at George to see him with furrowed brows. That’s not exactly the expression I had been hoping for.

“Oh,” he breathes. A few seconds of silence pass by and even though I know what’s coming I hold my breath and hope. “Look,” he starts, he bites his lip in consideration, it's like a gunshot through my heart. “Dream, you know that I love you.”

“Just not the way I love you,” I interrupt. My face is twisted in an angry frown and I’m sure I look like a dickhead right now. 

“Dream, please. I really care about you, and you’re my best friend and you’re great and amazing and-” I cut him off. Maybe I am an ass, it’s not his fault he doesn’t like me like that and here I am making him feel guilty.

“It’s fine, you don’t have to let me down easily. I get it. I just - um I have to go right now, but I’ll talk to you soon.” George opens his mouth in protest but I quickly continue because I don’t think I’ll be able to remain composed if I hear him talk more. Hearing the pity ooze out of his voice is too much for me to handle. “I’m not mad at you or anything like that, I just- need a bit of space.” I pick up my phone to hang up trying to keep my tears in for just a few more seconds so George doesn’t see how much he’s really hurting me. That he’s destroying my heart. George tries to cram his response in as he sees me planning to hang up.

“That’s not what it is, Dre-” his voice stops short as I hang up. I toss my phone onto my desk, ignoring the clattering sound that it makes. Now that I’m alone, again, I allow all my emotions to flow out of me. 

Tears spring out of my eyes in streams and snot builds up in my nose. I feel as if I’m choking on air, I’m struggling to breathe as my chest heaves up and down sharply. I rip my notes in half and crumple them up. My breathing is labored and the low noise fills my room. I feel empty, a pit inside of me grows that I know won’t be filled for a long time. I want to scream but when I open my mouth, all that comes out is hot air. I just let myself sit there and cry until my eyes are completely dry and the aching of my heart starts to numb. My shirt is stained with my tears and the air around me feels heavy. My knuckles are white from how tightly I’ve been clenching my fists. I look at myself in the reflection of my monitor. I can’t believe he called me a pretty crier. What a liar. My limbs and heart ache as I close my eyes, letting myself drift off to sleep to escape reality. 

I open my eyes and observe my surroundings. I’m leaning on a marble pillar in an airport terminal I don’t recognize. I scroll on my phone nonchalantly when I hear my name being called out. I scan in the general direction I heard it and my eyes lock on someone in a blue hoodie standing a few feet away. The way they carry themselves makes it seem as if they’re floating. Even without seeing their face I know it’s George. Every fiber of my being aches for him, wants him to tell me I’m all he wants. He slowly pushes down his hood, his fingers nimble and slender. The rest of the world fades away as his face lights up as he sees me. He saunters at me in what seems like slow-mo and he throws his arms around my neck as mine instinctively reach around his waist. 

I lift him off the ground and spin him around in a circle as his face nuzzles into my neck. His delicate frame sinks into my arms perfectly. He peppers soft kisses on my collar bone and I bury my nose in his hair. He smells of flowers and I set him back on the floor as I kiss his forehead. He giggles at my antics and his breath tickles my neck. I embrace him again, placing my chin on the top of his head and feeling his heartbeat synchronize with mine. The space between us is nonexistent, our bodies connect like puzzle pieces, like we’ve done this a million times. He pulls away softly and his fingers reach up to lace around the strings of my sweatshirt as one of my hands lightly tilts his chin up. Our lips are about to meet when I turn my cheek to the side and force his lips to connect with only my jawline. I push him away from me, trying to ignore the hurt look in his eyes and the sharp feeling cutting through my chest. I want to stay here forever but I’m well aware that I’m in a dream and force myself to pinch my arm before more hope plagues my heart. 

I jolt awake, my arms are wrapped around myself and I let them fall to my sides in defeat. All of me wanted that to be real but all my fantasies come to an end eventually. I know it was for my own good but I wish I had just allowed myself to stay in my dream. I check the time bitterly. I’ve been napping for the past two hours. Part of me hopes that I’ve dreamed my confession as well but when my eyes wander to the destroyed confession notes I know that I didn’t. I relocate to my bed, my chest still feeling hollow. Did I imagine all of it? The intimate silences and genuine tenderness in his voice when we talked. I replay the way his voice hitched when I complimented him, the way he blushed on our FaceTime calls. Was it really all in my head?

I think back to George telling me he wants to be held in my arms, trying to justify his response as nervousness. Then I remember how easily he moved on, clearly not thinking too much of his comment. Unlike me. I rub my temples, I hate being inside my own head more than anything. George’s response should’ve been a clear sign that he doesn’t feel that way about me but I’m dangling by a single thread of hope, one that should’ve been cut off a long time ago. I love him and I want to hate him. I want to hate him so that this pain I feel goes away, so that the heartbreak dissolves into anger. But I can’t and it won’t. I know it won’t.

Suddenly, fear takes over my body as I imagine losing George forever. I don’t know how I would be able to cope if I lost my best friends due to this stupid stupid stupid idea. All because I wanted more. Because I thought I needed more. I pause to breathe and remember that the words I need to hear are documented on the internet. I frantically slip my phone out of my pocket and navigate to YouTube, maybe someone already saved the clip. I ignore all my missed calls and messages. 

I type  _ I could never hate you georgenotfound _ into the box and am semi-surprised to see that there are multiple videos of the clip. I click on the first video tentatively. I close my eyes and allow myself to completely relive the moment.

“Because, I -I thought you hated me.” My eyes open and focus on the way his eyes crinkle when he says, “Hated you? I could never hate you Dream,” I can tell he meant it, with all of his heart. I rewatch the clip ten more times just to be sure, soon allowing my eyes to trace his lips as he speaks. I know that he’ll always be there for me, even if all I can have is friendship, at least I won’t lose him. I shut off my phone with a semi satisfied huff and place it onto the night stand. No more of that sappy shit, I need to get over it. I leave my calls and messages unanswered as I drift off to sleep, hearing George’s voice ring in my ears. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so, don't hate me lmao. the story does continue and hold onto ur hope (I mean, it is a dnf fanfic after all). plus angst angst angst (and thank you for almost 1k !!)


	11. Whatever Normal Means

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream does damage control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone thank you for 1.1k (and 1k)! Hope you enjoy this chapter
> 
> tw: cursing

*Just a Friend to You by Meghan Trainor*

  1. Fans, people who you don’t know, but care about you.



I wake up and instantly regret it. My head hurts and I know it’s a combination of being slightly hung over and the abundance of crying I did. I stuff my head under the covers, urging my body to fall asleep again. My face is sticky from the tears and my lips taste salty when I lick them. I turn onto my stomach and groan, yesterday didn’t exactly go to plan. I let out a frustrated sigh as I look at all the messages and calls from George. Fuck. He must think I’m a dickhead for ignoring him like that after dropping that bomb. I hesitantly click on the texts, and scroll all the way to the top to read through them.

**George:** dream   
**George:** hey can we talk?   
**George:** just wanna clear some things up   
**George:** u there?   
**George:** ok ok i get that u need space   
**George:** just know im here when ur ready   
**George:** <3   
**George:** bye   
**George:** ok ik i said bye but just, idk it doesn’t have to be me but talk to someone, pls?    
**George:** for me?    
**George:** not for me, that’s not what i meant, for urself?   
**George:** ok bye for real now

My face twists into a frown. I hate making George worry but talking to him then would have made the whole situation so much worse. I type out my message, staring at the text in the box for a minute before hitting send.

**Dream:** hey um, can we just forget abt yesterday?

This is the most chicken option that I can choose, but the only other option is more confrontation that I know will just lead to it being awkward and embarrassing. George replies almost instantly.

**George:** if that’s what u want?   
**Dream:** yeah sry, idk what came over me   
**Dream:** i’d been drinking for the first time in a while

I attempt to explain. Technically I’m not lying- but I leave out the true intentions of my drinking. I have no clue if George buys it.

**George:** yea, i kinda noticed and it’s ok, dw abt it   
**Dream:** thanks, i’ll talk to u later?   
**George:** mhm, call me :)

I know we’re both trying so hard to revert to our old dynamic but it’s just not the same. I guess assuming everything would go back to normal is too much to ask. I blow my hair out of my face with a frustrated huff. I’ve got less than three weeks to get myself out of this shithole I dug myself into. I leave my phone on the bed as I try to get some work done to alleviate the heavy weight I can still feel on my heart. I force myself to sit at my desk and begin editing one of the manhunts. I get through around 10 minutes of uncut footage before stopping. I slam my fist on the table. Hearing our effortless banter makes me angry at myself for fucking it up. It would be so easy to be angry at George instead, to be mad at him for toying with my feelings and not reciprocating, but I know that that’s just a comforting lie that I could never convince myself to believe. 

Instead of editing, I busy myself with household chores: folding laundry, cleaning the litter box, organizing the fridge, etc. Being able to focus on something else successfully distracts me from my current dilemma- momentarily. It’s been 5 hours of straight listening to music and doing chores when I finally reseat myself at my desk and join the SMP. I’m not sure how to feel when I see that George is in the vc I’m planning to join. If I just leave the game now he’ll know that I feel weird around him, and that’s the last thing I want at the moment.

“Hey everyone,” I say. I hone in on George’s voice in the chorus of hellos and can’t pick up any abnormalities. Maybe he really is planning to simply forget about it and ignore it. I clench my fists and crack one of my knuckles. Why do I feel mad about that when I was the one who asked him to ignore it? I do a quick breathing exercise before rejoining the conversation. Quackity and Bad are streaming, and I run around distracting them as they try to get netherite. The lack of joking flirting between George and I is noticeable to me but no one else seems to pick up on it. Maybe it’s for the best, my heart doesn’t seem to know what’s good for itself anyways.

It’s been two weeks. George and Sapnap are arriving in 5 days and I’m glad to say it’s kinda normal. Still no joking flirting, but at least my heart doesn’t hurt as much anymore. I can tell my feelings are still there, but the pain they were causing my heart seems to have subsided. Previously, thinking about George was unavoidable but now I go hours at a time without thinking about what he’s doing. The most difficult part is preparing myself for when I see George. I practice acting nonchalant when watching his streams, alone in my room like the idiot I am. I can’t say it’s a complete success but the constant blushing is almost unnoticeable now. I feel like I’m training for a marathon at this point. All these small, tedious things I have to do to keep myself in check hurt my head. The easy way out would be to find a distraction- but I know better than to go down that path. 

4 days left until George and Sapnap arrive, #dreamteammeetup got #1 on trending today while #dreamfacereveal is sitting at #2. Everyone’s excited. I share their enthusiasm, excited to finally meet my best friends in person, but I can’t help but worry about how I’m going to act. 

3 days, I don’t know how to act. I’ve started to think about things like breathing in order to make sure I maintain perfect self control.

2 days, and I feel as if I’m going to shit my pants from excitement.

1 day, what the fuck is sleep? Do we even need it? The answer is no.

Today’s the day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just finished writing chapter 16 and update day still makes me so excited every time


	12. The Meet Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dream, george, and sapnap meet up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: cursing
> 
> (chapter 13 is so many emotions oml, I'm excited) and thanks for 1400 hits!

*You’ve Got a Friend in Me by Randy Newman*

  1. Online friends



I can’t even count the number of times that I’ve pinched myself to ensure I’m not dreaming. I’ve checked my reflection in the mirror more than 50 times in the past 10 minutes. I’m wearing a basic dream hoodie and sweatpants. Suddenly nothing about me looks correct, my smile looks crooked, my hair unkempt, and my limbs too lanky. I run my fingers through my hair nervously and turn away from the mirror. Now is not the time. I have to leave for the airport in less than 5 minutes and I redirect my attention to my makeshift disguise that I threw together. I have a lime bandana to cover the lower half of my face and clout goggles to cover my eyes. There’s an extremely high chance I’ll get photographed and I’d rather the surprise for tomorrow not get completely ruined. I swipe my car keys off the table and place them in my pocket, their familiar soothing me. I stuff my disguise into my other pocket as I head out the door.

My nerves cause my hands to shake lightly as I’m driving. I try not to overthink how I’m going to greet them, I want it to happen naturally. Besides, I know that I’ll end up panicking and forgetting any planning I did in the car. Blaring horns and some shitty drivers keep me focused on the road. I come to a stop at a red light and subconsciously chew on my thumb nail. I’ve mainly been able to ignore my feelings for George but I’m not sure if that’s going to change as of today. I tighten my grip on the steering wheel. I just have to act normal, especially in public. 45 minutes of driving through traffic is infuriating when the main thing on my mind is finally meeting my best friends. When I’m five minutes away from the airport I fasten the bandana, slip my hood over it, and then put on the goggles. I check my appearance in the mirror and have to laugh at how ridiculous I look. At least George and Sapnap will probably get a kick out of it.

I finally pull into the parking lot and try to parallel park properly despite how excited I am. I hastily grab a parking slip and stuff it into the pocket of my hoodie as I text George and Sapnap.

**Dream:** hey, im here   
**Dream:** what gate r u at?   
**Sapnap:** terminal A, we’re near exit 3 **  
** **Sapnap:** i’m the sexy one with the red shirt and george is in blue   
**Dream:** lol be there in 5

I walk up to the automatic doors and almost walk right into them before they open due to my impatience. I attempt to stroll calmly so as to not look like a suspicious idiot jogging through the airport. The quiet clicking of heels and sound of wheels dragging on the floor creates a fast-pace environment. I notice that it smells like a new car as I weave in between packs of people. I quickly navigate my way to terminal A and am right near exit 4 when I see them, or at least who I think is them. Their backs are facing towards me and as I get closer I’m 100% sure that it’s them. Their posture standing is practically identical to when they’re sitting. If anyone has recognized them, they don’t say anything because the two of them are chatting alone. George daintily leans on his suitcase and Sapnap idly spins his around by the handle. My feet glue to the ground and my mouth goes dry. Fuck. I force my legs to move and I call out ‘hey’ as I near them. Luckily, my voice refrains from cracking and they both turn towards me.

“Dream! Nice disguise.” Sapnap practically shouts.

“Real subtle you asshole, and thank you, I made it myself.”

“Yeah, I can tell, and nice to see you, too.” He gives me a hug as George stands to the side awkwardly. I pull away after a second or two and turn my attention to George.

“Oh my god, Sapnap, you’re actually taller than George,” I point out.

“Of course I am  _ bitchass _ .” George shakes his head with a giggle.

“That’s only cause you’re wearing those stupid platform sneaker things,” he says. 

I turn my body towards George and I reach my arms out shyly. George nears me for a hug and my arms reach for his waist like they do in my dreams. His arms tuck under my armpits instead of reaching around my neck and I feel him lightly shiver in my arms as my hands reach all the way around him. I easily encompass his slender body in my arms. He’s real, I’m holding him and this is real. I don’t want to let go. Ever. I’m tempted to kiss the top of his head but I hold onto my last bit of self control. I must hold on for a little too long because Sapnap clears his throat. George and I stumble away from each other and I pray he couldn’t feel my heartbeat during our hug. I’m extremely thankful that I’m wearing goggles as my eyes trace George. Face cam doesn’t do him justice. His hair is somehow perfectly coiffed despite him not using gel. His eyes look alert yet soft and his smile awakens the desire inside of me. My eyes linger on his lips a little too long and I feel my cheeks heat up. When his eyes look up towards me, it’s as if he can see through my glasses and my heart drops. And here I was thinking I had my emotions under control. The parallels to my dream a few weeks ago are uncanny. I can’t tell whether I like that or not.

“Okay, so my car is in the parking lot, ready to go?” I see Sapnap looking at me with a calculating expression on his face before he responds.

“Yeah, let’s go! I call shotgun.”

“Ugh whatever, and could you maybe help me carry one of my bags?” George asks. I nod as I pick it up. Sapnap snorts.

“George, why did you pack as if you’re planning on living here forever?”

“Who knows, I just might,” he counters and I laugh quietly before turning to lead the way. I lead them through the airport, weaving through mobs of people. Surprisingly, we don’t get recognized, or at least no one approaches us. When we finally reach the car I slide all the luggage into the trunk and Sapnap slips into the front seat. George settles into the seat behind Sapnap, and I catch him excitedly gazing out the window. 

“You gonna take off that ridiculous disguise?” Sapnap gestures at my face. Leaving it on would be the more cautious approach considering I could still easily be photographed but I can feel uncomfortably wet condensation on my nose and upper lip. I rip it off my face and toss it behind my seat. Sapnap laughs and looks at my face. “Wow Dream, what a nice side profile,” he teases. I roll my eyes.

“Shut up Sapnap, you're so annoying.” I quickly flick my eyes towards George, trying to catch a glimpse of him and we make eye contact momentarily. I turn back to face forward, was George staring at me? I remind myself of my self control practice but that all seemed to have gone down the drain after seeing George. George yawns quietly in the back row. I start to back out of the parking space.

“I’ve got a blanket in the trunk if you want to take a nap. You should be able to reach it from where you are,” I suggest. George lets out a “thanks” mid-yawn. “We’ve got a 45 minutes drive and I’ll wake you up once we are there,” I inform him. He nods and closes his eyes. Sapnap and I are quiet for the first few minutes until we hear George’s quiet snoring and breathing. I can tell that Sapnap has something to say but is contemplating whether now is a good time or not.

“What’s up?” I ask him.

“Hm?” he responds.

“Don’t act dumb, I know you well enough to know when you have something on your mind, what is it, spit it out.” Sapnap hesitates before speaking.

“Sooo… you and George, have you talked about you know, you guys since you confessed?” he finally says. I choke on my own breath and I feel as if the air got knocked out of me. For a second and I struggle to breathe as I try to refocus on the road.

“How— how do you know about that?” I stutter. I can feel my heartbeat speeding up and breathing becoming more difficult.

“Woah woah woah, Dream pull over.” I gulp down the saliva that is quickly filling my mouth. “Dream pull over.” Sapnap commands more firmly and I oblige quickly. I stop us on the side of the road and attempt to relax my tense body. I turn my head to Sapnap and I’m positive that he can see the panic in my eyes. “Hey hey, it’s ok, do you want to continue this conversation outside?” he asks, gesturing his head at George. I nod and we both exit the car. I look at George seated in the back and want to hate him for telling Sapnap but as he emits a small sleeping sigh some of that fire in my stomach fades away.

I hop out of the car and squat on the side of the road, slowly lowering myself into the grass, not caring about how dirty my pants get. Cars zoom by us and I manage to catch glimpses of some turned heads towards us. Sapnap sits next to me and calms me down over the span of 15 minutes. I gulp down half a bottle of water and finally feel my breathing normalize. As the panic subsides I feel fury boil in my stomach. I have to refrain from exploding on Sapnap but all these feelings are hurting my head.

“Did he tell you?” I spit out. Sapnap’s eyes widen at the anger in my voice.

“Dream, I don’t want to start a fight.”

“Did. He. Tell. You.” I repeat, enunciating each word. Sapnap attempting to defend George causes anger to course through my veins.

“Dream, you’re scaring me,” Sapnap says, his eyes pleading. I turn away from him and look at George’s face smushed up against the glass. I close my eyes and breathe.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry. I just. I asked him not to say anything about it to anyone, though I only asked him that after quite a few hours. I guess I just assumed he would keep it to himself.” I stumble over my words but the hostility in them is gone. Sapnap’s shoulders relax.

“He told me right after it happened. It’s only because he cares. He got really scared when you didn’t respond to his texts. But since you asked him to not say anything I’m assuming you two haven’t talked either?” I shake my head. “Well maybe… you should talk about it with him,” he suggests.

“Why? That would just be more embarrassing and make things - weird between us,” I counter. Sapnap looks down at his feet.

“I dunno, you never really talked it out. The unresolved tension isn’t good, and I can tell you still have feelings for him.” I look up at him. “Don’t worry, George is probably oblivious,” he quickly adds to reassure me. I run my fingers through my hair.

“I - I don’t know what to do. I want more, but he clearly doesn’t so there’s nothing to do but wait until my feelings are gone.” Sapnap purses his lips together, debating his words carefully before slowly speaking.

“You’re best friends, having this big thing neither of you can talk about— it’s not good. I get that it sounds scary but trust me, talking it out will make everything much better. I promise,” he has an earnest look on his face. I loop my arm around him, his head in the crook of my elbow.

“Thanks.” he leans into my embrace, wrapping his arms around my waist. He pulls away first sharply, concern still glazed over his face.

“Of course, and are you feeling better or do you want me to drive?” I wince as I think about how bad of an accident we could’ve gotten into if I hadn’t pulled over.

“Could you?” I request. Sapnap nods and we get back in the car. George stirs as the engine restarts.

“Where’d you guys go?” George’s voice is heavy with sleep.

“Just a little break, don’t worry about it,” Sapnap says and George murmurs something inaudible before nodding and drifting off again. 


	13. Movie Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Movie Night from George's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW (PLEASE READ BEFORE PROCEEDING):  
> 1\. this chapter includes homophobic themes and the use of the f-slur. Both of the authors of this book are members of the LGBTQIA+ community and neither of us condone ever using this word in a demeaning way. It is used in this chapter from the mouth of a homophobic asshole. Please do not use the word if you are not part of the LGBTQIA+ community, and even if you are make sure that you know the connotations and how this word was used in the past/how it's been reclaimed.  
> 2\. cursing
> 
> other than those notes, please do enjoy the chapter! I really enjoyed this one, and I hope you like it as well <3\. I feel as though it's an important part of the story.

*George’s POV*

*Figure it Out by Anthony Ramos*

  1. Think about your favorite movie, if you die you’ll never get to see it again



I get shaken awake by Sapnap and push him away lightly as I open my eyes.

“Sapnap what the hell, don’t touch me there,” I mumble. 

“Oh my god Sapnap, what are you doing to him?” Dream calls out from behind us. I think he’s unloading stuff from the trunk. Sapnap rolls his eyes.

“Already calling to your boyfriend for help, I see,” he teases. I wait for Dream to let out a laugh before letting out my own unsure one. “But seriously, let’s go, we’re at Dream’s house and you’re thinking about  _ napping _ . That’s sooo lame.”

“Ugh, alright fine, I’m getting up,” I say reluctantly as I wiggle my legs to the side of the car. When I slide off the seat, my right leg gives out from not moving for so long and Dream drops the luggage in his hand to rush forward and catch me. He grabs me under the armpits and hoists me back up.

“Already falling for me, I see,” he says with a wink. I laugh and gulp down the spit accumulating in my throat. I’m glad that we’re back to joking, but something about that felt a little too real. Dream helps me steady myself and I quickly grab my remaining luggage from the trunk. Dream has already moved most of my bags inside his house and I lug the final one up the short flight of stairs carefully.

When I step inside Dream’s house a rush of cool air hits me. Considering I’m on the verge of breaking into a profuse sweat I quickly rush inside and lightly fan myself with my hand. I pull my sweatshirt off haphazardly and Sapnap whistles.

“Nice view from here, Gogy.” he grins. I frantically pull the front of the shirt down over the sliver of skin that was showing with an embarrassed squeak and look up to see Sapnap smirking and Dream gently nibbling on his lip. It’s… hot. I shake that thought from my head. That’s normal, right? Everyone finds their friends attractive. I’ve had both girl friends and guy friends that I’ve found attractive. It’s a normal thing.

“Ok so, we’ve got the main bedroom and the guest room. You guys can take your pick and I’ll take the couch.” Sapnap and I frown at the mention of Dream sleeping on the couch.

“No no it’s your own house, one of us can take the couch,” I say.

“Orrrr… we could all stay in one room and cuddle?” Sapnap laughs. Dream turns bright red and scratches the back of his neck.

“Or we can figure this out later?” Dream offers. Sapnap and I nod in agreement. I let out a yawn and stretch up my arms.

“Ugh, jet lag is so annoying. It’s literally only nine pm here.” Dream’s eyes look at me softly.

“Do you want to go to bed now? You might need the rest considering the meet and greet is tomorrow.” I shake my head. 

“Oh no, I’ll be fine, can’t be napping through our first night together.” Dream and I have held eye contact for over 30 seconds and I can’t seem to look away. I know his eyes are green but to me they look like a pale yellow with brown around the outside of the irises. The light above is reflecting in his eyes. “All of us,” I choke out, stupidly gesturing to Sapnap as well. I quickly try to cover up my extra words, “Not that that wasn’t already implied when I said our. Um anyways, want to watch a movie?” Sapnap and Dream exchange what they think is a sneaky look at each other and I quickly walk towards what looks like Dream’s living room. Dream and Sapnap trail behind me and I admire how clean the house looks. 

“Ok, what movie do you want to watch? We can rent anything off of Amazon if Netflix doesn’t already have it,” Dream says.

“Ooh, can we watch the first Harry Potter movie?” I exclaim excitedly. Dream looks at Sapnap for confirmation and he shrugs.

“Sure, whatever works.”

“Ok great, I’ll get the movie started, can you two make popcorn? It’s in the bottom cabinet that’s to the right of the sink.” Sapnap and I walk into the kitchen and Sapnap whispers to me.

“Dream’s pretty hot, huh?” he prods me lightly in the ribs. I squirm out of the way and swat at his hand, unsure how to respond. I busy my hands with finding the popcorn and popping it into the microwave. I look over the counter at Dream who’s clicking through amazon trying to find the right movie. His sweatshirt has been replaced by a shirt that hugs his muscles tightly. My eyes widen at the view of his arms. If Sapnap can say it, then I can, too.

“Yeah. Pretty hot, I guess,” I mutter. Sapnap studies me as my cheeks turn pink. I swipe at my face, as if I can wipe off the annoying heat and color. Sapnap smiles in return.

“I think you like him.” He looks me dead in the eyes with the most serious look I have ever seen on him. I stare at the popcorn slowly rotating in the microwave. 

“Sapnap I’m literally straight, I don’t like him, and there’s no way he’s not already over it.” Sapnap looks at me for a moment.

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” 

“Which statement shouldn’t I be sure of?” I ask, and Sapnap cocks an eyebrow at me as if I should know already. 

“Any of them. Or all of them. You can pick.” He says with a stupid smirk that I want to slap off of his face. The microwave beeps, interrupting our conversation and I take the bag of fresh popcorn out. 

“Dream, do you want this in a bowl?” I call out.

“There’s a big bowl in the top right cabinet. Just choose the one that isn’t porcelain.” I stand on my toes and reach into the top right cabinet to grab a brightly colored bowl and pour the popcorn in. Sapnap walks ahead of me to the couch and quickly sits on the opposite side of the couch as Dream, leaving me to sit in between the two of them. I place the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table and sink back into the couch, leaning all the way back. I push myself further back and dangle my legs off the edge of the cushion. Dream grabs a fluffy blanket off the floor and drapes it over his legs first before handing it to me, gesturing for me to do the same. I lay it flat across my lap and hand the sliver of remaining blanket to Sapnap. 

“George this can’t even cover half of my thigh.” Sapnap complains. He ushers me towards Dream so that all three of us can fit underneath the blanket. I scooch to the left as all three of us smush to Dream’s side of the couch and I feel Dream tense when our thighs brush underneath the blanket. I shuffle away just far enough that I can feel the heat he’s radiating, but our legs don’t touch. Sapnap is finally satisfied with how much blanket he has and Dream grabs the remote to start the movie. 

Hedwig’s Theme begins to play and I stare at the screen with amazement in my eyes. Harry Potter always has a way of making me feel completely immersed into the fictional world. I attempt to relax further into the blanket, but I’m not quite sure where to lean my body. My arms are awkwardly rigid next to me and my hands are folded in my lap in a formal manner. My legs are spread slightly and my back is slouched against the couch. Even though this movie is one of my favorites I can feel my eyelids already starting to get heavy again. I lift my hands up to rub my eyes and let out a tired sigh. Dream shuffles in his seat as well, also struggling to get comfortable. He drapes his right arm over the back of the couch, his fingers just barely grazing my shoulder. I lean back into his arm, allowing myself to lightly lean on his torso. I can hear shallow breaths escaping from his mouth and feel the rise and fall of his chest against my left arm. This is normal, best friends cuddle all the time. And then I feel a significant addition of pressure on my right side. Sapnap is now completely curled into me like a little puppy or something.

“What the hell, Sippycup, get off of me,” I say. I try to push him but unfortunately I have gamer muscles (which is to say next to none). Sapnap isn’t exactly light compared to me, considering I have the build of a noodle.

“What? Do you want to be the big spoon?” He smiles and I frown more than I was previously. But I let him stay because I ultimately cannot be bothered. Dream lets out a stifled laugh to my left.

I tilt my head slightly upwards to look at him. His gaze is deadlocked onto the screen and the corners of his lips twitch as they hold back a smile. And why are his eyelashes so long? He flicks his eyes down towards me and we make eye contact momentarily. I quickly avert my gaze and stare at the large TV. Maybe he didn’t even notice me looking at him for what was definitely a little too long to not be checking someone out. I let out a huff of annoyance. Checking out your best friend is definitely not normal, but knowing that I’m straight, I’m just so confused. I can't be the only straight person who has ever checked out someone of the same gender, but then again from what I know, most straight people don’t spend this much time wondering if they’re actually straight or not. I let my thoughts go and allow myself to just enjoy being close to Dream… and flattened by Sapnap. 

We’re more than an hour and a half into the movie and Dumbledore is explaining the Mirror of Erised to Harry. Sapnap has finally returned to an upright position, much to my delight and the health of my back. I steal a glance at Dream and his cheeks are definitely flushed red, much like my own.

“So then it shows us what we want? Whatever we want?” Harry asks, wide-eyed.

“Yes… and no. It shows us nothing more or less than the deepest and most desperate desires of our hearts,” Dumbledore responds. Dream clears his throat and I feel him shrink away from me. I turn to give him a quizzical look but he won’t meet my gaze. I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it, but it’s hard to ignore the tight feeling in my throat and my urge for Dream to move his arm back to where it was. I continue watching the movie for another fifteen minutes but at this point my eyes are threatening to shut every few seconds and keeping them open has become a struggle.

“I’m tired,” I murmur. Dream and Sapnap both look at me, Dream opens his mouth to speak but Sapnap speaks before he can.

“You’re such a baby. Just lie down across the couch and we’ll wake you once the movie is over.” I nod my head in agreement, pivoting my body to lie across the couch. I place my feet on Sapnap’s lap first and notice him crinkling his nose at the smell. “George, you need some deodorant or something for your feet. Do they make foot deodorant? If not, an air freshener might be your only option, in all honesty. It smells like a trash can over here.” He tucks my feet underneath the blanket and fans his face.

“So dramatic,” I say quietly, my lack of enunciation causing the words to be partially inaudible. I continue lying down, considering whether to scrunch up my body and place it next to Dream or to lie on his lap. Considering we’re best friends and Sapnap is dealing with my feet I’m sure Dream won’t mind. I lay my head on his lap over the covers, pulling the covers up to cover my midsection. I’m lying on my side so that I can still see the movie when I open my eyes and I rest one of my arms above the covers next to my head on Dream’s lap. Once everyone finally stops moving and relaxes, I allow my eyes to shut and my mind to drift off to sleep.

* * *

I’m in my childhood kitchen, coloring pictures in my family’s dining room. My mother stares at me quizzically and my dad’s nose is buried in his paper. I’ve replayed this memory more times than I should. Every once in a while I see it from a different perspective, but this time I’m my eight year old self. My mum places her coffee mug on the table and I look up with the moment she asks,

“What are you drawing, Georgie?” 

“I’m drawing me and Owen getting married!” I respond excitedly. I look back at my drawing. It’s probably all the wrong colors but younger me either didn’t notice or didn’t care. My mother steals a cautious and somewhat frightened glance at my father. My dad scoffs.

“You can’t marry Owen,” he states.

“Why not, Dad? You and Mum are married and you get to love each other forever and ever. I want it to be just like that with me and Owen!” I say, locking eyes with him.

“Because he is a boy. Two boys can’t get married, only a boy and a girl can do that.” I look at him with a confused expression.

“Bradley…” my mother trails off at the hard stare she receives from my father.

“Am I wrong, Emily?” he counters through grit teeth. My mother clears her throat.

“George, go to your room.”

“But Muuum, I’m drawing,” I protest.

“George, go to your room,” she repeats. Her voice is stern, something I’m not used to. I reluctantly push my paper away from me and hop off of my chair, scampering to my room. I’m about to shut my door when I hear angry shouts from downstairs. I know I shouldn’t listen but I can’t resist. I press my body against the wall and inch closer to the dining room.

“Bradley, he’s eight years old. He probably doesn’t even know what marriage really is. Or what love means other than the type of love that we have for him. Owen is probably just a friend of his that he thinks he wants to marry because he doesn’t get it.” There’s desperation in her voice, something that scares me. Hearing my usually hard headed mother sound so weak means that something is very wrong.

“Emily, I’m warning you. He better not end up bringing any boys home in the future and introducing them as his boyfriends and whatnot. If he ends up a fucking  _ faggot _ ,” my dad pauses as if even saying that word disgusts him, “It’s all on you. If you let him think that he can go and date or marry other boys, he just might.” My dad’s voice is hardened, signifying that there’s no argument in this discussion, only a right and a wrong. He’s made it clear which side he’s on.

“Brad,” my mum’s voice is soft now, trying to calm her husband. “He won’t, but even if he did, would that be so bad?” she asks meekly. I hear my dad’s fist slam on the table. I hold my breath as I hear the clattering of the coffee mug come to a stop.

“I will not be the father of a sinner. God didn’t intend for  _ gays _ when he made us.” I catch a glimpse of my crumpled up drawing in the trash and slide back towards my room. Once my footsteps are out of earshot, I turn and run to my room in fear and sit on my bed in shock. I’m not sure exactly what my parents meant other than boys are not meant to get married. Now I know what they meant and what they were. But younger me never brought it up again.

* * *

My body shakes lightly and I stir awake at the sound of quiet shushing accompanied by a hand lightly running through my hair. I can tell that the movie has ended due to the lack of background noise. I’m about to sit up and announce that I’m awake when Dream begins to speak.

“I think he’s having a nightmare or something, so let’s be a little quieter,” Dream says tenderly.

“Ok ok. Anyways, you should ask him to stay with you in your bed or something,” Sapnap whispers with a quiet laugh. Dream returns his hushed laugh, something that sounds ridiculous considering his already high pitched wheeze.

“I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands to myself,” he admits.

“You’re such a freak,” Sapnap scoffs.

“I didn’t mean it  _ that _ way— just like, I dunno, cuddling and shit.” 

“Seriously though, I think he has feelings for you.” I feel Dream’s body shake with a sad laugh.

“No chance, that’s okay though. I still love him and I’m glad it’s not weird between us.” Love. He loves me. I mean, I knew that, but this is the first time I’ve heard him say it in real life and knowing he’s not joking one bit. Dream is still running his fingers through my hair and I feel guilty, my father’s stinging words still on my brain. I shift a little in his lap and Dream seems to think I’ve woken up because he quickly snatches his hand away. I murmur unhappily and swat around in the air looking for his hand to redirect it to my head.

“Is he- is he still asleep?” Sapnap asks.

“Um- I think so?” I’m still searching for Dream’s hand and begin making grabby hands to gesture that I want his hand in mine.

“Dude he clearly wants to hold your hand, just give it to him,” Sapnap says and I feel Dream’s fingers slowly interlock with mine. His fingers are much bigger than mine and yet the way he holds my hands seems as if he believes they’re so fragile that he might break them. I sigh happily, maybe it’s ok to not really understand my feelings but just be content with how we are right now. 

“This feels wrong… like I’m taking advantage of him or something. I mean, he’s literally asleep with no clue what he’s doing right now,” Dream sounds guilty. Sapnap considers his response.

“I think you’re fine, you’re only holding his hand, no harm in that. Plus he looks a lot happier now, look at his little smile.” Dream runs his thumb over my cheek and I exhale and widen my smile.

“Ugh, how is he so cute? This is so unfair,” Dream whines.

“Okay, maybe don’t touch his face without his permission, and we should stop talking about him cus it’s getting a bit creepy now.” I feel a bit disappointed when Dream lifts his hand off my cheek, luckily our fingers are still intertwined. Knowing how respectful he is of my boundaries makes me feel safe with him and I run my thumb along his knuckles lightly. I hear his breath hitch for a moment or two and in turn I feel a fire churn in my stomach. “Damn, George is such a player when he’s asleep. He’s just making moves on you,” Sapnap laughs. Dream sucks in a breath and then lets out a light laugh.

“Oh god, he doesn’t even know how much he’s making my heart scream right now. He has no clue how much I’ve imagined holding his hand just like this.” Dream sounds incredibly flustered. I pause momentarily, am I toying with his feelings? Am I a shitty person for doing this without even really knowing how I feel about him, even when I know how he feels? Do I even like guys? I mean, I’ve definitely liked girls in the past… maybe also guys? I don’t even know. I would have to think about it. But the way that Dream talks to me and looks at me makes me feel electric and like I’m the only thing that matters in the world. My thoughts are interrupted by Sapnap saying something else to Dream.

“We should probably wake him up considering the movie has been over for a while now.” Dream untangles our fingers gently and lightly prods my side. I feel his breath tickle my ear.

“George, it’s time to wake up.” 


	14. Let's Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bed time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: cursing
> 
> tysm for almost 2k reads! this work is now part of a series (there is a second book that we are currently working on) so if you would like, subscribe to the series to know when that comes out!

*Dream’s pov*

*Fool by Cavetown*

14.

“Come on George, the movie’s over now,” I prod the small boy lying in my lap. My heart is hammering in my chest and my fingers still tingle where he held them. Star dust. That’s what his touch leaves on me. A sparkly sensation that makes me want to fly through the clouds with him. I run my fingers over my knuckles like he did previously. Despite my mind’s protests, my heart relentlessly hopes for something more than friendship once again. Sapnap pushes George’s feet off of his lap haphazardly.

“Holy crap, my legs are numb from sitting for so long,” he grumbles. I lightly shake George and he makes a noise of protest.

“George, you just have to get to a normal bed to sleep.” George turns his whole body towards me, clearly not wanting to actually get up. He grabs a fistful of my shirt and pulls himself closer to me, burying his face in my stomach. My hands awkwardly hover above him. I make panicked eye contact with Sapnap.

“Okay, this is too cute, what do I do?” I hiss at him. Sapnap shrugs.

“Shake him harder or something if he’s not waking up. Or just leave him on the couch and he can sleep here for tonight.” I shake my head, I don’t want George sleeping on the couch considering it definitely gets uncomfortable after a few hours.

“Can you carry me?” George murmurs, he’s definitely awake, drowsy- but awake. I panic, wondering if George has heard mine and Sapnap’s conversation, but I then realize that he’s definitely too sleep deprived to retain any of this in the morning. 

“Did George just ask you to carry him? George— when you say ‘I’m baby’ that doesn’t mean you get to act like one. Plus I’m sure he’s heavy, George kinda thicc,” Sapnap says with a laugh. I dismiss Sapnap with a wave of my hand while chuckling. 

“Sapnap you’re so rude.” 

“I called him thicc— that’s a nice thing to say. I’m sure you agree, don’t you Dream,” Sapnap says winking. I flush red and I’m glad that George’s eyes are still closed.

“Ok Sapnap, you’ll go in the guest room, sheets are clean and the bathroom is all yours. It’s the second door when you turn right once you go up the stairs. Goodnight, man,” I attempt to dismiss him.

“Nuh uh, as if I’m gonna miss this attempt of you carrying George.” Sapnap sits on the arm of the couch while watching me with an abundance of amusement in his eyes. “Go on, any day now.” I roll my eyes at him and lightly push George off of my lap. I loop around him and push back the coffee table and the almost empty bowl of popcorn. I slide my arms under his knees and neck. 

“Hey George, you’re going to have to grab around my neck so you don’t fall, ok?” I tell him. He nods and opens his eyes to look at me. Our faces are only inches apart and I look away quickly so that I’m not tempted to close the gap. George wraps his arms around my neck and the coolness of his arms refreshes me. I blink away any sleep in my eyes and I stand up, lifting him bridal style. 

“Wow, you actually did that- and you haven’t even fallen over yet,” Sapnap comments. I laugh at his optimism. I begin walking down the hall and stop at the base of the stairs. Stairs. Shit. Sapnap walks up behind me ominously. “This is where the yet part comes into play. Are you sure you don’t want to just leave him down here?” I let out a labored breath.

“No, I got it,” I insist. I’m not really sure what I’m trying to prove at this point. Or who I’m trying to prove something to. George’s lips collide with my collar bone every time I go up a step and I’m attempting to retain my composure while also not dropping him from my arms. With every inhale I take I can smell him. He smells good despite having been on a plane for hours today. I finally make it to the top of the stairs and I push open my bedroom door, flicking the light switch with my elbow. Patches is sitting on the bed asleep and I attempt to slide the covers off the bed with my feet. “Sapnap, help me pull the covers back.” Sapnap obliges.

“I have no idea how you didn’t drop him coming up the stairs,” he’s looking at me with a hint of disbelief in his eyes. “Are you going to stay in here with George?” I shake my head, I wouldn’t want to impose on George’s boundaries like that. I first lay George’s bottom half on the bed and slowly lower his head down as well. I pull the covers back over him and tuck the covers under his armpits. Patches is now awake and she circles the new human in her bed. “Alright, well I’m gonna go get ready for bed and sleep. See you in the morning,” Sapnap says to me as he turns away.

“Night Sapnap, love you.” I call out to him as he walks towards the guest room. I hear a quiet “Love you, too” from down the hall.

“Goodnight George.” I’m about to leave George when his hand catches on my arm. “George, I have to go downstairs.”

“Can’t you stay with me?” his eyes are open and look at me pleadingly. His gaze pulls at my heartstrings and I’m half convinced that he knows what he’s doing. The other half of me knows how fucking oblivious George is at times.

“George, you’re tired and not thinking straight. I have to go sleep on the couch.” George frowns at me sadly.

“Just for a little? Maybe tell me a story?” he has loosened his grip on my arm and yet I’m still standing there listening to his sleepy requests.

“Ok, just one story,” I give in and sit on top of the covers on the other side of the bed. He slides closer to me and grabs my arm. I lightly push him off. “George, you can’t do that right now. You have to be more careful when you’re tired, someone could easily take advantage of you.” I scooch farther away from him. I want George, but not like this.

“I know you would never do that to me. I heard you say that to Sapnap,” he admits. George was awake for that? He was awake when he tried grabbing my hand, and he didn’t want me to let go. I nervously bite my lip. I have no fucking clue how to act around him.

“You’re right, I wouldn’t do that to you, but you’re clearly exhausted right now,” I say firmly. George pouts but returns to his side of the bed. His warm brown eyes look up at me expectantly and I quickly redirect the conversation. “What kind of story do you want to hear?”

“Anything,” his British accent softens the word, “Ooh wait maybe the story of when you first saw me.”

“Saw you? Like in person?” George nods and I laugh. “George that was literally today.”

“I know, I want to know what it was like from your perspective.” Despite the sleepiness in George’s eyes he seems to know exactly what he’s doing but he simply buries himself deeper in the blankets instead of responding. Only two curious eyes peek out, the rest of his face buried in my covers. He takes a not so subtle deep breath and I wonder if he’s smelling the blanket. I begin my story, careful about what I leave in and what I take out.

“Alright. Well, I was nervous for today to start. I could’ve sworn I was dreaming and I had to check that I wasn’t at least ten times.” A bit of an understatement. I’m talking at a slow pace so as to not slip up. “When I saw you and Sapnap in the airport, you guys were quite far away but I could tell from your posture that it was you. And then I saw you.” I pause, George’s eyes are closed but knowing him he’s probably still awake.

“And then?”

“And then… you were short,” I giggle, “and you gave me a hug and I didn’t want to let go.”

“Me neither, I felt safe.” I study his face, the soft crinkles in the corners of his eyes signify a smile I can’t see. George is just being polite and expressing his feelings, and yet here I am thinking about how nice it would be for him to be mine. “And then?”

“And then? You’re so greedy George. And then… our eyes met. Have you ever heard of the word opia?” George shakes his head. “Well, it’s basically that feeling when your heart kind of stops when you make eye contact with someone. That’s what it was.”

“In a good way?” I simply smile.

“Goodnight George,” I say as I get out of bed. He seems to be content without me replying aloud. I’m about to close the door when he calls out to me.

“Sapnap got an I love you, why don’t I get one?” I laugh under my breath. He’s adorable.

“Love you George.” 

“Love you, too.” I turn off his lights and close his door for him. I walk down the hallway to the guest room to check on Sapnap. I knock on the door lightly and proceed when I hear Sapnap say, “Come in.” He’s lying on his stomach, staring at his phone in the dark.

“What’s up?” he asks, turning his phone off. Now the only light leaking in is from the hallway. His phone immediately pings multiple times. He grabs his phone again and turns the ringer off. 

“Oh, I was gonna talk to you— um, about George, but it seems like you’re a bit busy,” I gesture at his phone, “Who are you texting at this hour?”

“No one,” he says quickly, proving that it is indeed someone. 

“Keep your secrets, see you in the morning.” I turn back into the hallway.

“Wait, Dream, I’m here, do you want to talk about it? Who am I kidding, I know you do.” He says the last part mostly to himself and then pats the space on the blankets next to him. I sit down. Sapnap waits for me to speak first as he props himself up on his elbows. 

“Do you really think he-?” I can’t finish my sentence, I probably just sound stupid.

“Yes.” 

“Well apparently… he was awake when he grabbed my hand.” 

“He’s probably figuring himself out right now. You’re gonna have to give him time. And if it doesn’t work out in the end, don’t be mad at him.” I nod and lean my head back against the headboard. I don’t think I’d ever get mad at him for that.

“I’m not expecting anything, but I can hope, right? I’ll wait for as long as he needs me to.” Sapnap laughs deeply and the sound fills the room.

“You’re such a romantic.” 

“Yeah.”

“Actually, maybe simp is the right word.” I grab a pillow and smack him over the head. He does the same to me with a laugh. I grab his head in the crook of my arm.

“Thanks though. I seriously don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Yeah, yeah.” 

“And if you ever want to talk about your nobody I’m here to listen.” I add with a mischievous grin.

“I’ll let you know,” he says, smiling faintly. I can see on his face that he’s probably not going to tell me any time soon. I get off the bed and walk to the door. “Night, Dream.”

“Night, Sap.” I smile when I see that he’s grabbed his phone again. I turn off the hallway light as I walk down the stairs. I shake my head disapprovingly when I realize out of all of us only Sapnap bothered to brush our teeth or change into pajamas. I let my head hit the couch pillow, pull the covers up on my body, and quickly fall into a calm slumber.

* * *

Sapnap, George, and I are all sitting in my kitchen island with a pint of ice cream in each of our arms, spooning ice cream into our mouths out of pure exhaustion. The meet and greet was insanity. After 4 hours of talking to adoring fans and giving hugs, my body threatens to collapse onto the countertop. I reminisce the moment that I unveiled my face to hundreds of thousands of fans online and in person. I can still imagine the cheering and screams of pure joy echoing through my head. #dreamfacereveal is trending on twitter once again, numerous pictures of me are being posted by fans every second. Life really won’t ever be the same. And in all honesty, I don’t mind it. I’ve always wanted to face reveal eventually and considering it’s hard to find a negative comment throughout all the good ones I’d say it’s a complete success. I finish my pint of ice cream first and set it on the counter.

“Damn, you finished the whole thing already?” Sapnap eyes me.

“You’re just a slow eater,” I protest, leaving out the fact that I have a massive brain freeze. 

“I can’t finish all of mine, want some?” George asks, tilting his pint towards me. I happily nod and take a spoonful. Despite having eaten quite a bit for dinner, I’m still hungry after being social for so long. I look around at the three of us and it feels as if it’s been like this every day for the past few years. It feels so normal to have Sapnap and George sitting in my kitchen eating ice cream with me. I feel a sad twinge when I realize they’re going to have to leave in 3 weeks. Suddenly, just sitting around and chilling doesn’t seem memorable enough despite the fact that we just spent almost the whole day preparing and appearing at an event. I look at the two boys who are still eating their ice cream.

“Hey, do you guys want to play a game?” 


	15. Slumber Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> George, Sapnap, and Dream do typical sleepover things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: underage drinking (don't do this kids) and cursing
> 
> tysm for 2.2k reads <3 y'all r amazing and we love reading your comments!

*Classic by MKTO*

  1. sleepovers



“Which game?” George asks as he scrapes the bottom of his ice cream carton. 

“Mario Kart!” I exclaim excitedly. George and Sapnap nod and I go and connect my Switch to the tv for us to use. By the time that I finally get it set up George and Sapnap are waiting on the couch, casually hitting each other with pillows. Sapnap slowly thwacks George across the face in dramatized slow motion.

“That was so fucking weak Sapnap,” George taunts.

“That was literally the point, any harder and you would start crying,” Sapnap retorts.

“Boys, chill.” I say jokingly, finally collecting the three controllers needed in my hands. 

“Daddy chill,” Sapnap giggles.

“Sapnap what the hell?” I wheeze. I hand Sapnap the red controller and George the black one. I take the pro controller for myself.

“Thanks daddy,” George says laughing. My face turns bright red and I redirect my attention to starting up MarioKart. Sapnap lets out a choked laugh.

“George, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Sapnap shouts as he throws a pillow at his head.

“You literally just said that as well. I think the real question is what the fuck is wrong with  _ you _ ?” Sapnap laughs and makes momentary eye contact with me. I can feel my ears getting red and my hands getting sweaty. I quickly change the subject.

“Have you both played MarioKart before?” I ask.

“Who hasn’t played MarioKart?” Sapnap says.

“Me.” George says shyly. 

“George, did you just not have a childhood?” Sapnap laughs.

“Maybe he’s just too old that MarioKart wasn’t out yet,” I say, knowing full well that isn’t true. I sit in the open space between Sapnap and George. George rolls his eyes at me but scooches closer to me to look at how I’m holding my controller. “Here, you want to hold it like this.” I redirect the controller so that it is lying horizontally in his hands. “Press the a button to go forward, and use the joystick to steer. Press the b button once to break, and hold it to reverse. You can do jumps and tricks with the button underneath your right hand, and you can use power ups with the button underneath your left hand. You can look behind you with x, and that’s pretty much it. Got it?” George looks up at me with some remaining confusion in his eyes.

“Um, kind of?” 

“Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it soon,” I promise as I start the game. “Just yell out any questions you have during the game.” The character selection screen shows up and I choose green shy guy and Sapnap selects orange yoshi. “George, you should be toad, he sounds just like you.” I say.

“Oh really?” George asks as he selects toad. Sapnap snorts. I pick the Shell Cup, and the first race is Moo Moo Meadows, one of the easiest in my opinion. The upbeat music starts to drown out the rest of the white noise and you can almost feel the level of concentration in the room. Somehow, Sapnap completely destroys George and me. 

“Sapnap- how the fuck?” I exclaim, kicking him in the side lightly.

“What can I say? I’m just better than you guys,” he replies.

“Ugh, and here I was thinking I was good at this game,” I toss my controller in mock frustration. “We should play the balloon gamemode.” I exit the grand prix gamemode and click on the balloon option. “George, you just have to try to hit the balloons. Let’s target Sapnap.” George nods at me and we barely manage to beat Sapnap even with our combined efforts. 

“LET’S GOOOOO!” George yells when he wins. I turn to high five him and when our hands collide I leave it there for a little too long, my inner urges just wanting to intertwine our fingers again. I pull my hand away in a jerking motion after realizing how long it’s been.

“We did it, Sapnap you suck!” A foot flies at my chest.

“That was unfair, you two are pussies,” Sapnap says competitively while laughing. “Let’s play a different game, my eyes are hurting from staring at that screen for so long.” I unplug my switch and place all the controllers back in the cabinet.

“You literally play minecraft all day as your job, but sure. What game were you thinking of?” I respond.

“How about…” Sapnap locks at me mischievously, “Never have I ever… with a little bit of alcohol involved.” I wince considering Sapnap is underage and how horrible my last experience with alcohol went.

“I don’t know…” I reply.

“Oh come on, it’s like, required for your sleepovers with your best friends. It’s practically a rite of passage.” I’m about to say no when George speaks.

“I’m down.” I look at George, trying to cover the dumbfounded look on my face.

“Ok, sure then, I guess,” I agree, seeing as George is the oldest and if he doesn’t see an issue with it I’m sure it’ll be alright. “But Sapnap, if your mom finds out I let you drink she’s actually going to murder me.”

“Relaaax. I’m not planning to get drunk or anything. Plus, even if I did I don’t have to drive or anything. Where’s your alcohol?” I point Sapnap to my alcohol cabinet. He rifles through it carefully, the sound of glass clinks almost inaudible. “Ooh, golden tequila.” Sapnap picks up a new bottle of alcohol in his left hand and grabs three shot glasses in his right. He distributes the shot glasses and I eye them warily. He opens the bottle of golden tequila and fills each of our shot glasses. “So, it’s never have I ever. And if you have… you take a shot. If you say you haven’t but you actually have, you take two.” George looks ready to play and in all honesty there’s not too much embarrassing shit that these two don’t already know about me.

“I can start,” George says. “Never have I ever pissed my bed over the age of 20.” Sapnap immediately gestures to my shot glass.

“Oh come on. That’s literally targeting,” I groan. 

“Hey, it’s not my fault that you pissed the bed,” George retorts.

“It was like once, okay?” 

“Still happened.” I take my shot and shut my eyes at the taste. I hold it in my mouth for a second, debating whether I should just spit it out.

“Spitters are quitters,” Sapnap says, laughing at my reaction.

“Sapnap, that’s literally not what that phrase is for.” George says.

“It worked in this scenario though, didn’t it?” Sapnap points out. I roll my eyes at him and he continues speaking, “Ok my turn, never have I ever gone skinny dipping,” Sapnap says. George downs his shot. Both Sapnap and I look at him with open mouths.

“What? It’s fun, we could try it some time.” The thought of skinny dipping with George- the moonlight reflecting off his body as he wades in the water. I shake my head to rid it of my thoughts. 

“Ok, my turn I guess. Um, never have I ever kissed more than one person in 24 hours.” Now it’s Sapnap's turn to take a shot. “Sapnap-” I push his shoulder playfully. 

“I wasn’t in a relationship or anything. I was a free man.” We continue going around the circle and surprisingly I’ve taken the most shots. We’ve only gone around twice when it’s Sapnap’s turn again.

“Never have I ever had a crush on a guy.” I quickly take my shot and look in my lap. George shifts in his seat next to me as he looks at his glass. After a minute he finally leans forward to grab his shot glass before drinking its contents. Suddenly my fingernails look really interesting. I try not to overthink what just happened but I can’t help it. I try to crack a joke quickly to stop myself from hyperfocusing on whether George has feelings for me or not, but George speaks before I can.

“Wait Sapnap— what about that guy from high school?” George inquires. 

“That doesn’t count cus I didn’t have a crush on him,” Sapnap points out, his words slurring slightly. We’re definitely all tipsy.

“Didn’t you two literally make out in the locker room that one time instead of going to sports?” I add, pointing to Sapnap’s glass. Sapnap reluctantly takes his shots.

“Well for the record, gym was really boring so it was obviously the better option. And I may or may not have lied from the start.” Sapnap’s laugh sets George and I into a laughing fit. George’s laugh morphs into a yawn. 

“We’ve had a long day, do y’all want to call it here?” I question. George nods at me and Sapnap nods with another yawn. 

“I can take the couch tonight,” George offers. I shake my head as I clean up MarioKart. “Or you could just stay with me in your room since it’s a king bed.” My heartbeat quickens. George definitely isn’t too tired to not know what he’s saying, and yet I know that any romantic implications are just in my head.

“If you’re okay with that,” I say, silently cursing as my voice breaks.

“I don’t mind, it’s your room anyways.” he says and I nod slowly, not sure what exactly to say that won’t make me sound like an idiot. The two of us have slightly slurred speech and while we are intoxicated, both of us are clear headed enough to be responsible. Sapnap is either admiring his hands or lost in thought.

“Sapnap, you good?” I really hope he’s not drunk. 

“Yeah, sorry. Just, uh, thinking about something. I can put all the alcohol stuff away and turn off the lights if you and George want to head up first.”

“Thanks Sap,” I say as I get off the couch. George echoes my thank you.

“Have fun, you two,” Sapnap pauses, “but not too much fun.”

“I hate you,” George calls out as my already red face turns almost tomato colored.

“Love you, too.” Sapnap yells. George and I walk up the stairs in silence. We’re both tired and I’m undeniably nervous. 

“I’ll go brush my teeth first if you want to go change,” George says. I nod in agreement and go grab a pair of checkered pajama pants and a loose fitting black t-shirt. I quickly shed my dirty clothing and dispose of it in the hamper, slipping on my pajamas. I walk into the bathroom to find George humming quietly as he pushes all of his toiletries into the corner of the sink. I grab my toothbrush from next to him and rinse it before adding a dollop of toothpaste. George leans on the sink and looks at me as he stops humming. He waits for me to finish brushing and spit my toothpaste out before speaking. “Could I borrow a t-shirt of yours as pajamas?” he asks shyly.

“Don’t have your own?” I run the water over the toothbrush bristles.

“Well I do, I dunno, just thought it’d be nice.” I giggle and poke him in the stomach.

“Want it to smell like me?” I smirk. George huffs in annoyance.

“Oversized things are nice,” he says defensively. 

“I’m just joking Georgie, of course you can have a shirt.” I reach out to ruffle his hair but chicken out halfway and retract my hand before he notices. George smiles and follows me back to the bedroom. I wonder if this is what it would be like to be married, or just in a relationship with him. I could get used to him being within earshot of me. I grab a plain light blue shirt and toss it to George. He thanks me and I go to settle under the covers. I look at George and smirk as I see him bring the shirt up to his face not so subtly.

“Did you just smell my shirt?” I tease. He turns his head and sees me watching him. 

“Stop looking, pervert.”

“Wasn’t planning to,” I say as I turn my head. George finishes changing and turns off the light before sliding under the covers as well. I’m lying on the right side of the bed and I prop myself up on my left elbow to look at George. “Ok, I’ll stay on my side and you stay on your side.” George hums in affirmation and I close my eyes to fall into a peaceful slumber for the second night in a row. 


	16. In My Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cuddling <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: cursing
> 
> thank you for 2.4k reads! (and we really appreciate all the comments cus validation lmao <3)

*Best Friend by Rex Orange County*

  1. cuddling



Arms are wrapped around my stomach and someone is pressed up behind me. I’ve been in this dream a thousand times before. I’ve memorized it to the point where I know that the second I turn to check who’s behind me, I’ll be woken up. The good thing is that I’ve been here enough before to know that it’s George. It’s always George. I don’t want it to stop. Ever. I hear a satisfied hum behind me and the arms around me tighten causing the butterflies in my stomach to surge. If only. I allow myself to remain in my dream for a few more minutes as I hone in on George’s quiet breathing. I turn towards him and admire his face… and yet I don’t jolt awake.

His lips are slightly parted and quiet breaths escape every so often. I run my thumb down his lips softly. George readjusts in his sleep, pulling himself closer to me by gripping my shirt in his fist. He buries his nose into my chest and one of my hands settles around his waist, the other finding its way to the crook of his neck. My fingers entangle themselves in his hair. His fingers unfurl themselves from grabbing my shirt and it rests softly on my chest. I slowly shut my eyes again allowing myself to take in everything about this. Maybe one day it’ll be real. His breath is warm on my neck and a shiver goes down my spine. His body is pressed flush against mine. Something irks me, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. George stirs in his sleep.

“Dream?” he whispers. My eyes flutter open and meet his own which are coated in grogginess. That’s it. This isn’t a dream or I would’ve woken up already. I scramble away from him and frantically push him away from me. Hurt flashes across his face so quick that I’m almost sure that I imagined it.

“Good morning,” I try to act natural. Even though I scooted back our bodies are still dangerously close. “Sorry about that…” I scramble for an excuse, “I shouldn’t have done that, I just thought I was in a dream.” My face freezes. Oh fuck. A playful smile passes over George’s lips.

“You’ve had a dream about this?” That should be a given. George reaches out to lightly brush my arm with his fingers and I hold my breath as he does so. He leaves a trail of sparks on my skin. I ignore his question.

“Are you always this… touchy? Affectionate?” He blinks slowly and makes eye contact with me, an excited twinkle resides in his eye.

“Maybe. Or maybe just with you. How about you?”

“I can’t be that… touchy with you.”

“Why not?” I break eye contact with him and shut my eyes. I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.

“You know why.” 

“You still-” George doesn’t finish his thought. He doesn’t have to.

“Yes.” I try to take Sapnap’s advice and leave my feelings on the table. Being vulnerable is so fucking scary.

“I don’t mind, it’s nice being affectionate with people.” I shake my head. That’s where we differ.

“Your feelings don’t get affected by that shit, mine do.” I hear soft rustling and open my eyes to see George retracting his hand away from me. He looks ashamed of himself.

“I’m sorry– I don’t mean to be— you know, a player, or whatever the term is.”

“I know.” I smile sadly at him. 

“I know you don’t want to, but I think we should talk it out or something,” George whispers meekly.

“Okay,” I agree. My heart is racing but George looks at me reassuringly. His face is still less than a foot away from mine. The light leaking through the curtains lights his face softly. It’s hard to believe this isn’t a dream. 

“I don’t know how I feel about you,” he admits. Our voices are hushed and I’m not sure why, but it’s comforting.

“That’s okay.” I don’t know how to respond to that.

“You’re my best friend, and, I mean— I haven’t liked a guy in more than a decade so to be honest… and the whole like platonic versus romantic is confusing me. And like I’m not sure if I just love that you’re my friend, or if I want more.” George’s voice is still quiet but the words spill out of him. I take a shaky breath before speaking again.

“Yeah, I get that. Whatever you end up feeling, I’ll still be your best friend,” It hurts to say it out loud. To acknowledge that again. To remind myself that he might not reciprocate in the long run. 

“But.” He hesitates.

“But?” I echo.

“I… like being close to you. Like these types of cuddly things. Are you okay with it? If not, that’s totally fine, just wondering. ” I consider my answer. I choose my next words carefully.

“Why don’t we just— kind of let things play out? You know how I feel about you, and we can do anything you feel comfortable with?” Even though George’s eyes are a dark brown I swear I can almost see his pupils dilate. 

“That sounds good to me. Can we… go back to just cuddling, it’s still too early to be awake.”

“George- it’s 8 am already. What happened to your jet lag?” George flashes puppy dog eyes at me and I laugh as I nod. I half prop myself up on the backboard of my bed. I grab my phone off my nightstand, planning to scroll through twitter and interact with fans. George slides himself closer to me. He smushes the side of his face into my chest and lays his upper half on my stomach so that he’s half on top of me. I run my fingers through his hair idly as I swipe through twitter. This feels so normal, as if we do this every day.

“Why is your heart beating so fast?” George asks. I poke his cheek lightly.

“You’re so cocky, you know why,” I reply, removing my hand from his hair to push mine back. George lifts his head to look up with me and I catch a glimpse of his smirk.

“Yeah, I just like making you flustered.”

“And why’s that?” 

“You’re cute when you’re flustered.” I chuckle softly at George’s response. 

“You’re such a sadist.” The bedroom door hits my wall with a not so soft thud. Instead of scrambling away from me, George clings to me more.

“GOOD FUCKING MORNING ASSHOLES.” Sapnap saunters into the bedroom, his arrival definitely did not go unnoticed. My eyes frantically meet his and he freezes in place, clearly unsure what to do. George turns his head to look at Sapnap and I see Sapnap’s eyes flicking back and forth between George and I. “Okay, I’m still hungry, you two stop doing whatever you’re doing, and come get food with me.” George shamelessly rolls off of me but my face is a bright shade of crimson.

“You really should knock before entering a room,” I mutter sheepishly.

“If you’re doing anything that you don’t want me seeing you could’ve just locked the door,” Sapnap counters. I have no response to that.

“Ok, everyone go get ready, make sure you wear comfortable shoes and clothes,” I tell them.

“Why?” George cocks his head at me.

“It’s a surprise,” I respond with a wink. I swear I see his cheeks shift to a pink peach tone.

\-------------------

We get ready and in twenty minutes we’re all sitting in the car, ready to go. George called shotgun this time and he looks adorable in his bright blue crew neck and layered necklace. I turn back to look at Sapnap who’s pouting like a little kid.

“Aw Sippycup, you can choose a breakfast place since you didn’t get shotgun,” I offer.

“Denny’s!” he replies excitedly.

“Denny’s— okay, I take it back, if you’re choosing Denny’s, George is gonna choose.” 

“IHOP?” Sapnap tries again. I smile at him.

“Good choice,” he rolls his eyes in response.

“You’re so fucking condescending.”

“Oh come on, that one was  _ completely _ justified, I mean- Denny’s?” Sapnap laughs at my response and George cranks up the radio. Soon we’re all singing Dancing Queen at the top of our lungs as we barrel down the freeway.  _ YOU CAN DANCE! YOU CAN JIVE! HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIIIFE!  _ Our croons fill the car. Sapnap and George are thrown into a giggle fit as soon as the song ends and I’m wiping away the tears from my eyes when we pull into the IHOP parking lot. I look at my two best friends and can’t help but smile. I don’t want it to end. We all eagerly slide out of the car. The bell rings as we push through the door and I’m greeted by the sweet smell of waffles. I inhale deeply, the aroma reaches my head. 

“Who’s ready to get some waffles?” I flash a bright smile at them.


	17. Universal Studios

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! kay here
> 
> ash and i wanted to let y’all know that we are sort of near the end i think, ash has finished drafting the rest of but it n e e d s editing
> 
> she’s just trying to speedrun finish the story to get through writers block
> 
> tw/cw  
> \- just swearing i think
> 
> also comments are really appreciated because  
> validation ig idk <3

*Candy by Robbie Williams*

  1. Rollercoasters and fast moving shit



“That was some good WAP,” Sapnap says as we reenter the car. George’s expression twists into one of disgust to hide his smile.

“Sapnap. What the fuck?” I’m laughing too hard to drive so we all just sit in the car for a moment. Luckily, I parked in the shade so the seats are not unbearably hot. Sapnap finally breaks his laughing fit to respond, I see tears seeping out of the corners of his eyes.

“Waffles And Pancakes, Gogy. What did you think I meant?” George turns away from him and buries his face in his sleeves.

“Ugh whatever. You’re so stupid.” I finally regain control of my body and lungs but I’m still out of breath.

“Ok. My surprise.” I reach over to pop open the glove compartment in front of George and slide out an envelope. I open it and pull out 3 tickets and 3 fast passes. 

“Oh my goodness is that for Universal Studios?” George’s eyes are wide with excitement. I nod in response and both Sapnap and George yell in excitement. Realization hits George. “Wait, are we going today?”

“We’re going right now if you guys are ok with it,” I say. They both nod excitedly and I hand the envelope back to George for him to place into the glove compartment. 

\---------------------------------

As we pull up to the parking lot of Universal Studios, Sapnap starts singing the Jurassic Park theme song.

“Here it is,” I make a grandiose motion with my arm, “Universal Studios.” I peer over at George and can see the wonder spilling out of his eyes. “Excited?” I ask him. He nods without peeling his eyes away from the gates in the far off distance. I park in place because my parallel parking skills are terrible and today my parking job is less than good. “Okay, everyone put on a layer of sunscreen, grab the tote bag, we need the tickets and the fast passes.” I clasp my hands together after my sentence.

“Oh my god, you’re suuuch a mom friend,” Sapnap says as he sprays sunscreen on himself.

“I know right, so bossy,” George adds. 

“Alright kids, shut up and let’s go.” As we walk up to the entrance I remember how much I miss this place. I used to come for a whole week almost every year as a teenager. I would pretend I was too cool to be excited when in actuality it was one of my favorite weeks of the year. Boisterous crowds, vendors trying to sell overpriced everything, sweltering heat, and the most intricate set designs were all part of what made Universal Studios so extraordinary. I knew Sapnap and George were going to love it. George has the tote bag slung on his shoulder and the tickets are tucked safely inside. 

As we wait in line George can’t stop bouncing up and down and fidgeting to the point where Sapnap threatens to wrestle him to the floor. That doesn’t stop George and luckily Sapnap doesn’t follow through with his threat. A few families eye George, clearly confused as to what’s going on. I’d like to think that they’re wondering whether he’s a mature looking teenager or an extremely youthful 42 year old man. Honestly, he could be either. When I first saw him I thought he was a lot younger than he actually was. We finally pass through the line and George and Sapnap scour the map for what rides they think they want to go on. They both agree on one and start walking in a direction with determination, leaving me no choice but to trail behind.

Dr. Doom’s Fear Fall. Just the sight of it makes my stomach drop. I gulp down my spit as Sapnap and George both push me towards the line. 

“Well, I mean the line’s super long, maybe we can come back later?” I offer. Sapnap rotates me to look at the incredibly short fast pass line. Shit. 

“What are you, scared?” he taunts in my ear.

“It’ll be fun, promise,” George says reassuringly. I nod reluctantly. Fun. The fast pass line is short enough that I only get a few chances to convince George and Sapnap to back out. They’re both stubborn about going on the ride even when I claim that I’ll throw up on both of them if I get nauseous. And I’m going to get nauseous, heights make me want to die a little bit. We finally seat ourselves in a row on the ride, I’m getting sandwiched between Sapnap and George. The ride inspector comes around to ensure that everyone is secure and I feel my stomach do a flip. As soon as they have checked everyone the ride hums to life and I frantically reach for Sapnap and George’s hands. Both of them give me a reassuring squeeze as we ascend. Slowly we ascend towards the top of the tower, the anticipation growing with every second. We’ve almost reached the top and looking down everything seems so small, so far away. I try to act calm and admire how cool the park looks up here, but I’m not kidding anyone. This is one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever done. We finally reach the top and nothing happens. For a second I’m hoping that the wave is set on easy mode or something like that and that we’ll just slowly descend the way we came up. No such luck. We jolt downwards for less than 5 second and stop. 

“Huh. That wasn’t so ba-” my last word is interrupted by a much faster drop. When we finally come to a slow I can’t breathe. George and Sapnap are howling with laughter on either side of me but their voices are drowned out by the wind as we fall once more. The ride finally comes to a slow and we are lowered to the ground calmly. People around me are laughing as they realize it’s over but I still have a death grip on Sapnap and George. Neither of them pull away. The tightened seat bar releases with a quiet  _ fsss  _ and I try not to think about how much I want to throw up. My legs are weak when they try to carry me on the ground and Sapnap and George both rush to hoist me upright. 

“Damn, that one hit you really hard, you good?” George asks me. I shoot him a sarcastic look. “Yeah, I thought so, let’s get you to a bench and we can just sit for a bit.”

Long story short. I throw up in a trash can. George scampers off in a direction and I can only assume that the throw up smell made him queasy. The lingering taste in my mouth is hard to ignore but a smile crosses my face when I see George sauntering back towards me holding cotton candy in one of his hands. He waves it in front of my face playfully and I nod in thanks, grabbing a tuft off. I hold it in my mouth, savoring the sweet taste as it melts on my tongue and trickles down my throat. 

“Sorry, that was just a little more than I’m used to,” I admit, my head feels a lot clearer now and the ground doesn’t shake under my legs. 

“No need to apologize,” George says as he cups my face sweetly, swiping across my cheek with his thumb. I lean into his touch and he giggles. 

“Ok, what’s next?” I ask. I don’t want this day to be ruined by my motion sickness. Sapnap eyes me warily.

“Are you sure you’re good? Maybe we should stay off roller coasters for an hour or so, just to be safe,” Sapnap offers. I give him an appreciative smile.

“We could walk around the Harry Potter world!” George squeals excitedly. He squeezes my hand reassuringly with a smile and I want nothing more than to kiss him. But instead I squeeze his hand back and follow him as he drags me away.


	18. Stargazers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stargazing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw : cursing
> 
> thank you for 3k hits <3 (the story is finished it's just time for us to follow updates, sorry for the late update I couldn't find my laptop for around 4 days)

* _ Neptune _ by Sleeping at Last and  _ Love Like You  _ from Steven Universe*

  1. learning how to love



The three of us are lying in my backyard. The cicadas shush us anytime we get too loud and the stars call our names, beckoning us to join them. Each of us have a towel we lie on and we have one shared blanket, I’m gonna have to wash it after this. Sapnap is lying to my right and George is to the right of him. The light of the stars pulse in front of my eyes and I reach my hand up towards them. 

“It’s so quiet,” George murmurs.

“No shit, Sherlock,” Sapnap whispers back. I hear a stomach grumbling. “Ok I’ll be back, I have to make a call.” Sapnap squirms out from under the blankets and George immediately rolls over to where he was.

“Hey,” he whispers, placing his head on my chest lightly. 

“Hey.” I bring my hand up to run through his hair. He turns his head to look back at the stars. We’re in the middle of a neighborhood, so there aren’t that many, but George has already told me there are way fewer in London.

“What am I to you? What are  _ we _ ?” he asks abruptly.

“Whatever you want us to be,” I respond, lightly brushing through his hair with my fingers. He hums in response. 

He pauses, seeming to almost reconsider his words before he finally decides what to say.

“I want to be yours.”

Truthfully, I feel like I'm about to combust. I want to laugh and cry at the same time.

But I can’t do that to George. I can’t leave him waiting. He looks incredibly nervous, because I’ve been silent for so long. 

So I tell him the truth. “Then you’re mine and I’m yours.” I look down at him. I expect him to look relieved, but he still looks nervous. “I’m sensing there’s a but.” I say.

“But,” he hesitates. “I don’t… know how to love you the way you deserve to be loved.”

“What do you mean?”

“It hurts to let someone else have my heart. Well, not really ‘have’, per say, more like… share. The fear of knowing it could get broken is too much. I might be holding back while you’re just pushing forward. I don’t want to stop things from happening because I'm scared.”

“I can teach you how to love. As for getting your heart broken, that’s a risk we’ll both be taking. We just have to trust each other.”

“I know,” he whispers. “It’s still scary.”

“Yeah.”

“Also, how would it even work with me going back to England?”

I take a second to consider his question.“We have Discord, and FaceTime, Teamspeak, Minecraft, just texting, whatever you want to do. We can talk whenever you want. Even if I’m asleep. And maybe I’ll come visit you soon. Or you can come back here. We’ll have each other, isn’t that enough?” 

“I don’t know,” he admits, “What if it isn’t?” his voice sounds so frail.

“Hey, whatever happens, I’m still your best friend, yeah?” George doesn’t respond for a bit.

“I’ve been wanting to move to the states for a while.” he says finally.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah,” a comfortable silence settles over us and Sapnap returns from inside, smiling brightly. He begins to go to George’s old spot but I gesture for George to move back to his original spot. I know that neither of us wants Sapnap to feel unwelcome. Although recently he’s been leaving us alone more and more to go talk to his mysterious nobody.

“Dude, who do you keep leaving us to talk to?” I ask.

Sapnap whips his head around towards me. “No one,” he mutters. Even though it's dark, both George and I can see him blushing.

“Sapnap, you look all lovestruck. It’s definitely not nobody,” George says.

“Whatever,” he says.

And then we’re quiet again, laying underneath the stars.

\--------------------

As the next few weeks pass I teach my best friend what love is. I teach him how to love. I show him how I love. Love is found in the moments where your eyes meet and all you can focus on is how much their eyes sparkle. When you see something and immediately think about how happy it would make them. When their laugh is your favorite sound in the world. The quiet moments where the only words that seem to fill the space properly are  _ I love you _ .


	19. Dancing in the Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dancing in the Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry that this took so long- the chapter's been written for almost a month and it always didn't seem perfect enough. And now I'm realizing that I'm still learning a lot as a writer so it can't be exactly perfect no matter how much I try. But I hope that this is a nice chapter to read, I've reread it so many times and there's still something off about it that I can't quite place but it's here! I'll post the final chapter tomorrow (I hope) as a sorry for the late posting of this one. I am writing a new slowburn fic (I'll be posting first chapter soon) so make sure to look out for that :)

*Singing in the Rain from Singing in the Rain*

  1. Sparks



George has to leave soon. Too soon. The seconds pass through my fingers like grains of sand. The seconds turn to minutes, to hours, to days. Suddenly, it’s been a week. Suddenly, we only have a week. The day he leaves seems like doomsday, like the end of the world. It shouldn’t feel like that, and yet, it does. I don’t want to leave anything unsaid. I know this is going to end soon. I allow myself to shout and whisper  _ I love yous _ in random moments. I sneak in hugs that George happily leans into.

The rain outside lightly patters on the windows. The raindrops are knocking on the windows, begging to be let in. I comply with them and prop open the window. Soft droplets drip in, slowly drenching the wood floor. I let the rain fall over my fingers, rubbing my index and thumb together in an observant way as if I’ve never seen rain before. 

“George, Sapnap, look it’s raining!” I say, as if they couldn’t already hear the loud drumming of droplets on the roof. George turns his head to look out the window and hops off the couch, walking over to me. Sapnap turns to look as well but holds up a hand to signify he’s in a call. “Yo, Sapnap let’s go outside.” I call out to him.

“I’ll be there in just a second, I have to call someone,” he promises. George and I share a smile, we know he’s going to talk to his ‘nobody’. I beckon George and outstretch my hand to him. He slips his hand into mine easily, and I can’t believe that it didn’t feel more empty without his hand there.

“Come on.” His fingers tangle with mine and I lead him to the front door. I unlock it and step outside with George still tailing behind me. We sit under the awning and look out the same way I did alone weeks ago. It seems like ages ago. Large droplets drip off the awning, splashing our feet lightly and we sit in silence for a bit. The rain fills my ears and I feel like I’m melting once more. I turn to look at George, admiring his wonder filled eyes that trace individual raindrops as they fall from the sky. Small puddles have begun to condense on the street in front of us. George reaches his hand out, trying to catch the rain in his fingers. The light tears pepper his hand and he laughs quietly,

“It’s beautiful,” he breathes. He says it like the rain is our little secret. I admire the soft features of his face.

“Yeah, it is.” I wonder how many times I’ll get to look out in the rain with someone I love so much that it hurts. Someone who makes fire in my stomach with just a smile. I wonder how many times the rain and George will be here at the same time. Not enough. I grasp his other hand in mine and look into his eyes. “Dance with me.” 

“In the rain?” At first I think that George might be skeptical but he seems just as eager as I do. I take my phone out of my pocket and play  _ Can’t Help Falling in Love With You _ as loud as I can. I hop out from under the awning into the rain. I bow dramatically and extend my hand to George.

“May I please have this dance?” George giggles and places his own delicate hand into mine and he immediately gravitates towards me. Though he’s almost half a foot shorter than me, his hands are almost as big as mine. Our hands are clasped together lightly but it feels as though nothing could pull us apart. My other hand finds its way to his waist and he rests his on my shoulder. At first, we keep a distance as we clumsily spin and step in circles, both laughing and smiling like the idiots that we are. He tilts his head up to eye contact with me, shyly looking away every once in a while. Slowly my hand snakes further around him as it wraps around. He leans his head on my shirt which clings to my body tightly. I wonder if he can hear my heartbeat over the rain considering how much it’s pounding right now. Our chests are pressed together and the top of his head only reaches my lips. I kiss his forehead and he pulls away for a second to look at me as the song ends. “I’m guessing you like the rain?” he says. I laugh.

“You could say that.” The droplets have both of us drenched.

“It’s the best thing about Florida,” I state.

“I wouldn’t say it’s the best.”

“Oh yeah, then what is?” I tease him, I’m pretty sure I know his answer but I want to hear him say it.

“You.” He says, simple and plain. He pushes the wet strands of my hair out of my face, allowing his fingers to trail down my cheek after.

George’s eyes trace my lips. I lift his chin up towards me and look at him for confirmation. He nods his head and I quickly close the gap. The moment that our lips connect my brain short circuits. I’ve imagined this thousands of times and yet somehow it’s better than I could’ve thought. At first it’s soft, like a light summer breeze until George realizes what he wants. A ball of fire passes between us, pulsing brightly as we continue. The warmth spreads through my body, the months of desire inside me finally being fueled. He hungrily pushes against me and his arms wrap around my neck, desperately trying to pull me closer to him. I’m out of breath when he pulls away.

“Took you long enough,” George teases. I roll my eyes and tousle his hair playfully. I lick my lips.

“Clean laundry,” I say.

“What?”

“You taste like clean laundry,” I laugh. George smiles at me, slightly confused.

“I don’t think so.”

“Oh yeah?” I can see an idea form in his head the way his eyes sparkle.

“Yeah. I think you should check again, only so I can prove you wrong, of course,” he says, arching his eyebrow.

“If you insist.” 

“YOOO, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING.” Sapnap calls through the window. He opens the door so he doesn’t have to yell. “I call someone for 10 minutes and you two are making out in the rain! Jeeeeesus, get inside, you’re gonna catch a cold.” The whole situation is so ridiculous that we can’t help but laugh. I protectively wrap my arm around George’s waist and he clings to me cutely.  _ Mine.  _

The three of us head back inside. George and I are soaking wet, and Sapnap looks over at us and smiles. I know he loves seeing us happy. As much as he tries to hide it, he’s a sappy person. No pun intended.

Sapnap sits on the loveseat by himself and opens his laptop. George is about to sit on the couch but Sapnap eyes his drenched clothing disapprovingly.

“Ok George. Sure, do that,” Sapnap says condescendingly. George rolls his eyes but he knows that Sapnap is right and we both quickly change into clean, and most importantly, dry clothing. George and I sit side by side on our couch and I grab the remote to turn on a movie. Over the course of this trip we’ve watched the first four Harry Potter movies, so I select the fifth and start playing it.

Sapnap types away at his laptop, a soft smile forming as he looks at his screen. He pauses for a moment, laughs out loud, and then continues typing. He’s texting his nobody again.

“Hey Sap,” I say. He looks over at me. I look next to me and see George is still watching the movie intently. “Who are you texting?”

That makes George look up. The both of us have been dying to know who he’s been calling all week.

Sapnap’s entire face flushes. He opens his mouth to speak, but George cuts him off. “Don’t you dare say it’s no one, we all know that’s a fucking lie,” George’s disapproving stare rivals Sapnap’s.

Sapnap sighs. He runs a hand down his face and his smile fades. “Fine, fine, it’s someone, but it’s not important. You don’t need to know who,” He looks away from us.

“Well… I mean— whoever it is is obviously making you happy. You don’t have to say, but if they can make you smile like that, they’re special.” I say. I hadn’t realized this could be a sore subject for him, although maybe if I had been paying more attention I would have. Whenever I had asked him about it he would brush it off and stop talking. I decide to leave it be for now. When I look back at him, he has a sort of sad look on his face.

“Tell them hi for me, I guess,” I say. George hums in agreement, having returned his focus to The Order of the Phoenix.

Sapnap’s smile reforms. “Yeah. I’ll tell him.”


End file.
